Death Note Crack
by x-Munch-x
Summary: Title says it all!  Crack, randomness, hilarity, and stuff that makes no sense whatsoever!  :D  Rated T for language.
1. Disney Songs

Yes, it was a seemingly normal day for the psychotic warped genius known as Light Yagami.

He sat on a chair, listening to his iPod, the headphones blasting a series of Disney Songs (mainly Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers) into his ears. He tapped his foot in rhythm.

L, with his emo ninja moves, had suddenly appeared behind the shoulders of the teen. Startled, Light epically fell off his chair in slow motion.

Because only a REAL genius can afford slow motion takes.

Anyways, Light stood up dusting himself, prepared to give the panda detective another one of his torturous speeches.

"Ryuzaki! How dare you! Now my perfectly awesome and flawless hair is rui- Wait…why are you naked?"

L simply bit his thumb.

"Yes Light-kun, I am naked. It does seem like that doesn't it?"

"And….oh god, is that Misa's pan-"

"Yes Light-kun, I am wearing one of Misa's lingerie."

Light could only manage to stand there idiotically.

"Why are you wearing Misa's pan-"

_SMACK!_

"OWWW! RYUZAKI! WHAT THE HELL!" Light screamed, covering his red pimp-slapped cheek.

"Why do you seem so surprised Light-kun?"

"YOU JUST SMACKED ME WITH A RUBBER CHICKEN!"

"Do you have any proof of that Light-kun?" L asked innocently.

"I just saw you hit me with a rubber chicken!"

"YOU LIE!" the detective shouted, pointing accusingly at the very confused teen.

"Excuse me Ryuzaki?"

"YOU LIE! YOU LIEEEEEEEE!" L screamed barbarically. He ran through the wall, leaving an empty cut out of a naked Ryuzaki.

Soichiro Yagami was the first to spot the naked panty wearing detective. "Ryuzaki! What are you doing!" he asked frantically.

He needs a new prescription for those glasses.

Matsuda poked his head behind the old man. "Chief, it seems that Ryuzaki is running around wearing one of Misa-Misa's panties!" he said happily. The other officers turned to stare at him. Aizawa was the first to speak. "Matsuda? How come you know that's Misa's?"

Matsuda blinked, and his face lit up. "Because silly! I'm a Misa-Misa fan!" He ripped open his jacket, and the officers stared in horror.

"Matsuda…is that….her.."

"Yes Mogi! It is an exclusive Misa-Misa pink silk lace bra!" he replied with a giant idiotic grin on his face.

Don't worry, that wasn't the first time Matsuda got tasered.

Anyways, the naked detective ran up to the horrified officers, slapping them on the face multiple times, and then ran off again, only to find himself bumping into Misa.

"Hello Ryuzaki! Nice day isn't it, and I'm just Misa who is most certainly not Second Kira who kills people with a magical killer notebook!" she greeted him. "Wait, is that Misa-Misa's panties!"

L's only reply was to bitch-slap her right in the face with a hot toasty pancake. Poor Roger must be having nightmares now (Sorry if you don't get this, it's an inside joke).

"Ryuzaki just hit Misa!"

"But Amane-san, I think you should try putting pancakes on your face."

Misa beamed. "Really?" and smacked the pancake right on her face along with her whore makeup, thus completing her pancake whore make-up look.

L suddenly screamed at the repulsiveness of Misa's new look and jumped out the window 54 stories high.

Then a magical pink flying unicorn caught the naked detective on it's back and flew all the way back up to the headquarters.

Watari was wearing a leather one piece swimsuit while performing a belly dance on a stage that seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Soichiro and the rest of the officers (excluding the poor barbequed Matsuda) were playing jump rope while singing "Walking On Sunshine".

Light was spanking a crying Matsuda for his incompetence and idiocy.

Suddenly the Death Note exploded along with the Headquarter Tower and everyone fell into a pool of strawberry jam where Beyond Birthday was in the middle of performing a ritual for his jam cult.

"Hey!" the psychotic jam loving serial killer yelled out, "If you want to join a cult, you must be in uniform!" The jam lover ripped off his robe, revealing a partially jam covered birthday suit (Yes, you can see where this joke came from). Then an orange fell on Matsuda's head, killing him instantly due to his soft and useless skull.

Light picked up the orange and threw it at Misa. The orange simply bounced of her no doubt hollow head and fell to the ground, exploding.

Then a rainbow appeared and it rained skittles. So the rest of the team rode on the magical rainbow back to Headquarters which somehow magically rebuilt itself.

"Light-kun? Light-kun?"

Light Yagami snapped his eyes open, his forehead covered in sweat. The Disney songs were still blasting through his ears from his iPod.

"R-Ryuzaki?"

"Quite a dream you had there Light-kun."

_A dream…..it was all a dream._

"Yeah, it was a pretty odd dream."

"Oh and Light-kun, I have to ask you something."

"What is it?"

"Why was this on your bed?" Ryuzaki asked, holding up a pink silk lace bra.

Light just simply fainted.

* * *

**Yes VERY random.**

**I was bored ok?**

**So far this is my second story! -cue the applause-**

**Oh and the pancake joke with Roger, well you have to read "Bitch Stepped On My Floor Cake" by xXKanpekiXx the series is seriously funny.**

**Reviewers gets an L!**


	2. Crackgasm

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me!"

The panda detective winced at the off key notes as he sipped his cup of sugar cubes and coffee.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me!"

L was losing his patience quickly as he watched Light's failed dance moves on their bed.

"Don't cha! Don't cha!"

Light bounced on the bed, his usually neat and ironed shirt rolled up into a form of a swimsuit bra. He tumbled and jumped, holding his prized golden hairbrush to his lips while screeching the song playing loudly from his portable boom box.

"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me! Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me!"

No longer being able to handle the horror, the detective flung his fork at the dancing teen, hitting him in the leg.

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" the teen yelled, tears rapidly rolling down his cheeks. "WAAAAAAH! DADDY!" he screamed again. L face palmed himself, regretting his decision immediately. He rubbed his temples. Why him, out of all the possible people in the world, have to deal with this? "Would Light-kun kindly SHUT THE H*LL UP!" he shouted at the hysterical teen. His raised voice only made the boy screech louder. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIEEE!"

Soichiro Yagami karate kicked the door down and landed in a ninjatastic position. "What happened to my son!" he asked L frantically. He rushed over to his boy's side, placing him on his lap and comforting him. The teen cooed and giggled joyfully, happy to be in his old man's arms. "Ryuzaki! I demand an explanation!" he shouted at the detective, "What on earth happened to my son! Didn't he take his medication for his angst, rebellion, and odd crazed laughter?"

L bit his thumb. "Medication? Yagami-san, I doubt he needs medication. This sort of behavior is typical for boys his age," he said as a matter of factly."Why, when I was 18, I used to cackle evilly myself, it's perfectly normal."

Light cuddled into his father's arms, a bit of saliva drooling from his open mouth. Soichiro winced at the stain on his jacket. "So uhh….then what happened to my son?" he asked reluctantly.

L stared wide eyed at the old man, a grin slowly creeping up his face. "He has…..Crack-gasm."

DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!

"Crack….gasm?" Soichiro repeated, looking confusedly at the detective.

"Yes, crack-gasm," L explained in his monotone voice, "Crack-gasm is a serious condition when the brain explodes, usually caused by fan fiction writers, forming some sort of mental personality retardation illness. In most cases, it usually occurs when someone happens to be in a very badly written fan fiction."

Soichiro immediately fell out of his chair, staring horrifically at the detective. "You mean my son….he's turned into…..into….. A MATSUDA!" He gasped. L nodded, looking directly at the old man. "Yes, you're son has become a Matsuda," he said seriously as Light was busy gnawing on a bedpost. "Mayonnaise…." The teen muttered, his teeth still clamped onto the wooden post.

Soichiro clutched his chest. "NO! This cannot be!" And of course, the news was too much for his poor old heart to handle that he fainted on the spot. L stared disappointedly at the old man's body. "How lovely… Watari! Get in here! We've got another one to dispose!" Watari jumped out of the closet, used his super special British vacuum to suck up Mr. Yagami's body, magically disposed of it with a snap of a finger, then backed out slowly back into his closet.

"Now what to do with Light-kun…." L used his panda senses to devise a way to keep Light under control. Unfortunately, the author of this fan fiction was far too lazy to come up with some super special awesome plan for the detective, so let's just say he had a block from the lack of sugar.

Yes, L had not had any sweets today. There was a city wide cockroach infestation and the little bugs carried the sugary pastries back to the lair of their overlord cockroach of doom. L, losing about 60 percent of his thinking ability and 57.67894 percent of his patience, just tried to pry the boy's jaws of the wooden bedpost, only to have his hand crunched by the teen.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" he yelled, trying to shake Light off his hand. The teen genius only clamped down harder, a cracking sound came from L's arm. "LIGHT! RELEASE ME THIS INSTANT! I WILL CALL WATARI TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD! I WILL CALL THE POLICE TO TASER YOU! I WILL CALL THE ARMY TO BLOW YOU UP! AND WORSE OF ALL, I WILL CALL MISA TO EAT YOU! OWWWWWWWW!" Light ignored the detective's threats and string of curses, biting down harder with his teeth each second.

Matsuda then came into the room, grinning goofily. "Hey Ryuzaki, I've got a package for you!" he exclaimed excitedly, taking no notice of the situation in front of him. L sent a death glare his way. "YOU IDIOT! DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME! GET LIGHT OFF ME OR I'LL DESTROY HANNAH MONTANA!"

Matsuda dropped the box he held, his eyes wide in horror. "NOT HANNAH MONTANA!" he screamed, immediately rushing to Light. He grabbed hold of the boy's tight jaws, trying to unhinge them. Light let go of L's hand, to the detective's relief, but bit Matsuda's instead.

"!" Matsuda shrieked. His high pitched girly scream echoed through the Headquarters.

"Hey Mogi, did you hear that?" Aizawa poked his head behind the couch. Mogi grunted once, which in Mogi language, meant "yes". "Should we be worried?" Aizawa asked again. Grunt, grunt, snort, grunt, snort, snort. "Yeah you're right Mogi, probably Misa PMSing again." Grunt, snort, grunt, grunt, came from Mogi. "What's that Mogi? Little Timmy fell down the well again?" Mogi grunted once. "Wow, we should go save him! To the well Mogi!"

Meanwhile, L was observing as Matsuda was being eaten alive by Light. "RYUZAKI HELP ME!" he pleaded frantically. "Woah, woah, woah, NO way am I going through that again. You're on your own Matsuda!" L told him. He rushed to the door, sprinting the heck outta there before Light had the chance to attack him again. "SPARTA! SPAAAAAAAARTAAAAA! KYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"RYUZAKI COME BACK!" Matsuda cried, but L was long gone. Light bit harder on the officer's hand. "Mmmm….ledduce ad debet plubber….." he muttered, which in idiot language, it probably meant "lettuce and peanut butter" or something. "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Matsuda yelped in pain, "SOMEONE! FOR THE LOVE OF MILEY CYRUS, HELP ME!"

Misa, with an incredibly odd sense of timing, happened to show up in the room. "Matsu-kun!" she squeaked, which caused L's glass cup of coffee and the many windows of the room to explode and disintegrate. "WHAT IS MATSU DOING TO MISA-MISA'S LIGHT-KUN!" She pimp slapped the poor officer right across the face so hard that he flew across the room and hit the wall. As soon as Matsuda left an imprint of his body in the cracks of the wall, the power of the slap forced Light to let go of Matsuda's hand and fly out the open window.

"LIGHT-KUN!" Misa shouted out the window. Matsuda, already suffering enough, had to cover his ears so his brain wouldn't explode.

We all can't say he has much of a brain….

Anyways after falling out the window, Light managed to save himself because his underwear got caught on a ledge of a window. And also to his luck, it happened to be the window to L's room. Unfortunately for Light, being extremely heavy because of his age, had to suffer from a giant wedgie as he dangled from the 30 story window. He started wailing to the whole city below him.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT HUUUUUUUUUURTS! SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEE!"

L sat up straight (le gasp!) peering at the window. "Odd….." he said to himself, "Why would I… place a flower pot on a window? How stupid, it could fall on someone!" He hit himself in the head stupidly, and relocated the flower pot to the coffee table. Light spotted L at that moment. "RYUUUUUZAAAAAAKIIIII! HEEEEEEEELP!" he wailed louder this time. This time, L looked out the window, extremely surprised by what he saw. "LIGHT-KUN!" he spurted out, leaning his head further out the window. Light was never so happy to see the detective in his whole life. "L!" he cried out in joy.

"OH MAH GOD! LIGHT-KUN!"

"RYUZAKI!"

"You have a wedgie!" he stated the obvious, laughing idiotically. "Never thought I'd see that," he turned and walked back to his desk.

"RYUZAKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HELP ME!" And then there was a tearing sound. The seams of Light's cheap underwear were quickly ripping up. "OH MY ME, RYUZAKI I'M GONNA FALL!" Sadly, the detective ignored the teen's cries. "Hmmm, it probably would be better for the flower if I placed it near the window for some fresh air," the detective muttered to himself. And with that, he placed the flowerpot back on the window sill.

Light was still dangling, his underwear three-quarters of the way ripped. "RYUZAKI HELP ME THIS INSTANT! OR I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE DEATH NOTE!" He paused. "If….I had….one…because there is no way a magical killing death god notebook could exi- AHHHHHHHHH!" Light fell, screaming barbarically as gravity pulled him down from thirty stories.

Meanwhile, Mogi and Aizawa had just finished saving little Timmy from the well. "Now Timmy," Aizawa lectured, "Be careful of wells, they like to eat little boys like you." Timmy gave a nod, and a thanks, and made his way to another well nearby (wow, kids can't learn these days) skipping happily.

Suddenly the flowerpot from L's window somehow found its way to fall 30 stories from the building and onto Timmy's head.

"OWWWWWWW!" he cried out in pain, rubbing his head where the pot hit him, "Stupid flowerpot. Good thing that didn't kill m"- _SPLAT! _Light fell on the tiny little boy. "Huh, soft landing," he said as he brushed off the dirt from his pants. Great, just what he needed. His clothes were tattered, his underwear ripped, his teeth ached, , there was a crushed dead body on the floor, his shoes were muddy, his hair was filthy and mat- _A CRUSHED DEAD BODY ON THE FLOOR?_

Light panicked. _Oh me, oh me, oh me, I killed a little bo- Wait a minute! I'm Kira! I kill lots of people!_ He smiled goofily and hit himself in the head. _Duh! I don't need to care about this little kid!_ He walked away, cackling his Kira laugh to himself.

Seemingly out of now where, L popped in front of him. "AHA!" he yelled while pointing a finger at Light, "YOU ARE KIRA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I KNEW IT!" L did a little victory dance on the sidewalk, laughing maniacally into the sky. Light stared at the detective, his mouth agape. "HOW DO YOU KNOW!" L put a pause on his victory dance, looking seriously at the startled teen. "Because Light-kun…..." he inched closer to Light's ear, whispering, "I…am…YOUR FATHER!" L resumed his psycho laugh, this time, at a bunch of random strangers walking by. "YES! I AM YOUR FATHER! I AM YOUR DADDY! I AM YO MAMA'S DADDY!"

Light, completely clueless at this point, just backed away slowly from the psychotic detective. _Okay, everyone has gone insane, _he thought to himself.

"LIGHT-KUN!" the familiar voice made his brain hurt. Light was suddenly tackled to the floor by a repulsive, one inch skirt wearing, pancake faced whore. "LIGHT-KUN! WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO ON A DATE!" Misa squealed as many people around her yelped in pain and fell to the floor, covering their ears from her high-pitched tone. Light had his eardrum shattered as well.

"Misa…" he snarled from under her pink laced lingerie and black miniskirt. He smacked the skank across her overly-decorated-with-glitter-and-magical-sparkles face, sending her flying inside a garbage truck. _Thank goodness she's gone. Why didn't I do that months ago?_ Light then returned to the Headquarters, surprised to see the detective back in his chair, eating cake.

'_Odd…thought he would still be out there. Oh well, he's L, he can do anything.'_

"Ryuzaki! I forgot! This package was for you!" Matsuda announced, carrying the rather large box in his hands which he had dropped earlier. L spun his chair around to face the goofy officer. "Ah yes, thank you Matsuda-san. And for being a good boy, you can sleep inside tonight." Matsuda mouthed "Yes!" and skipped off to raid the fridge for some lemons and jellybeans.

L shook the package in his hands, but it seems whatever the box had contained was probably wrapped in 50 pounds of bubble wrap since it didn't make a single noise. "I wonder what's in there….." he asked himself as he opened the box.

Suddenly, a flash of red light and the sound of a warping vortex came from the box. The detective dropped the package, mouth agape at the sight of the spiraling portal. A figure came out of the mass of spinning light (no name pun intended) and sparkles.

"Hello cast of Death Note! I am the creator!" the figure cackled.

Light's eyes went wide. "God! Is that you?" he gasped. The figure smacked the teen with a purple fish. "I am the creator of this fanfic silly!" the person continued, "I am here to descend a curse upon all of you!" Outside, the sky turned gray as flashes of lightning and strong rain pounded against the building. "Yes!" the creator continued eerily, "You will all be cursed! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Then the figure disappeared with a puff of magical sparkling smoke.

Light stared at the empty space where the person stood earlier. "She whacked me with a purple fish!" he exclaimed.

"I'm just surprised this story is actually going to have a plot," L added.

"I'm pretty sure the fanfic's gonna end soon."

"That seems most likely."

"Yeah…..hey wanna go lick a tree?"

"Let's do it."

* * *

**Yay new chappie! I've tried my best, I really did! This was a random chapter, kinda popped into my head.**

**I've deprived Mello of his chocolate! :D**

**Reviews = Chocolate for Mello! :D**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Death Note (Oh the pain...) and I do not own the song Dont'cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me**


	3. Trap

"Light-kun?"

"Yes?"

"Could you pass me my cake?"

"Sure," the teen replied, sliding the pastry over to L.

A few moments later….

"Light-kun?"

"Yes?"

"Could you pass me my sugar?"

"Uh-huh," Light replied, tossing a large sack at L.

"Thank you."

Five minutes later….

"Light-kun?"

"Yessss?" This time, the teen was getting annoyed.

"Could you pass me Misa's toothbrush right there?"

"Of cour- Wait what?"

"Could you pass me Misa's toothbrush?"

"…."

"Light-kun?"

"Sure…," Light replied, spraying two cans of Lysol at the toothbrush and carefully passed it to L.

"Thank you."

Later….

"Light-kun?"

"_What?" _

"Could you open that important file on my computer?"

"Uhh….okay…?"

Light checked through L's mail and scrolled though his new messages.

_**File Name: Light-kun **_

'_What the the h*ll?'_ He clicked on the folder.

And out popped up several pictures of the teen, no not several, it covered the entire screen with about 600 windows opening up.

"R-ryuzaki!"

"What seems to be the matter Light-kun?"

Light pointed angrily at the screen.

"WHY?"

L stared at the screen for a moment. "Hmmmm I wonder what this is? Oh right…uhh….Light-kun, please do not open any of my personal folders without my permission."

Light felt like he had been slapped in the face. Multiple times. With a rubber chicken, and h*ll, he knew what the freakin' felt like.

"Is tha- Oh my me, did you take a picture of me while I was in the bathtub?"

"Yes I did Light-kun, for investigative purposes. Lovely rubber dinosaur by the way."

"B-but! It w-was! IT WAS A GIFT!"

"And I am assuming your Dora the Explorer DVD was a gift as well?"

"W-well actuall- DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Few minutes later…..

"Kira-kun?"

"Yes?"

"Gotcha."

And that my children, is the power of randomness and confusion.

* * *

**Yes it's super short, but it was a random idea that had popped in my head.**

**Yeah I didn't really do much here, but it amuses me xD.**

**Please review to help Light with his Dora addiction. It's serious.**


	4. Copy

Monday morning. 8 a.m. Not the best day for Light Yagami. Or the rest of the crew for that matter. Light sighed and grabbed a cup of coffee as he made his way to his desk.

"Good morning Ryuzaki." He greeted as he passed someone.

"Ryuzaki? Oh yeah right, that's me." The panda man responded.

Light stared at him, a puzzled look on his face. "Uhhh are you okay L?"

The swivel chair beside him spun around. "What do you mean? I'm right here Light-kun."

Light stared wide-eyed at him, alternating his view from L to…L's…..clone..? _Oh my me, oh my me, oh my me. There's two of them!_

Matsuda walked past the three of them. "Hi Light, L, Other L! :D"

"OH MY GOD MATSUDA, DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE!" Light scolded as he shook the police by the shoulders. Matsuda, being the incompetent idiot he is, could only smile and nod.

"I know! I let him in!" he said happily, "Now with two Ryuzaki's, we can catch Kira for sure!"

Light pulled his hair out angrily. "THAT IS THE PROBLEM YOU FOO- I mean…HE COULD'VE BEEN A KILLER IN DISGUISE! How did you let him in anyways without THINKING of THAT?"

"Well….."

"_Hi Ryuzak- Wait a minute, Ryuzaki's already in the building. Who are you?" Matsuda questioned L's copy._

"_Uhhh….I am Ryuzaki."_

"_Really? What nationality am I?"_

"_Japanese."_

"_Oh my god, it IS Ryuzaki! Come on in L!"_

"And that's how I found out I have an obsession with My Little Ponies," Matsuda concluded.

Light rubbed his temples, trying to hold in his killer crazy ultimate super special awesome Kira rage of doom.

"Matsuda, were you not telling me about how you let another L in here?" he hissed.

"Oh my god! There's two L's? Now we can catch Kira faster! :D"

And Matsuda died mysteriously by a lollipop, a plastic cup, and the orange of death.

* * *

**Wow, this is the shortest chapter yet.**

**Anyways, it's just part one. I was too lazy to put the two parts together, so here you go!**

**And thank you my lovely reviewers! -virtual L's shaped cookies for all!-**

**Reviews are love! **

**Disclaimer: (forgot to put this in the whole time) I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE! If I did, L would die and go live in Candy Mountain and bathe in the land of sweets, joy, and joyness.**


	5. Oranges

**8:05 a.m. Monday morning.**

Soichiro walked inside the Headquarters, only to find Light stabbing furiously at an orange and Matsuda lying on the ground.

"Uhhh…..Light?" he walked towards the teen, not bothering to step carefully around Matsuda.

"Yes father?" Light replied and put a pause on his orange stabbing fury.

"What happened to Matsuda?"

"Oh…I think he's taking a nap."

"On the floor?"

"Yes."

Soichiro grabbed the orange carcass from Light's hand. He examined the ripped flesh, pulp, and juice from the poor innocent fruit. "So….why are you stabbing an orange?" he eyed his son questioningly.

"The orange attacked me."

"Excuse me, it _attacked_ you?"

Light nodded quickly. "It attacked me! It was sneaky! D:"

"…."

Soichiro backed out slowly out of the room.

**8:20 a.m. Monday morning.**

"Good morning Light-kun!" L greeted happily, spinning multiple times around in his fancy swivel chair.

Light looked up from his his desk, holding the destroyed citrus fruit in his hand. "Morning Ryuzaki."

L fell back in his chair in slow motion and landed hard on the floor. "LE GASP!" he cried out, dramatically holding his hand to his chest.

"Woah what the h**l! Did you just fall back in slow motion!"

"Yes Light-kun I just did, because I have epic super powers. Anyways, OMFG WHAT DID YOU DO TO THAT POOR AND INNOCENT FRUIT! D:"

Light averted his gaze to the carcass in his palm. "Oh this? It's just an orange…"

"JUST AN ORANGE? HOW DARE YOU!" He quickly grabbed the citrus from Light's hand, petting the fruit soothingly. "YOU KILLER!"

"What?"

"ONLY KIRA WOULD DO SUCH AN EVIL THING! ORANGES ARE A VERY RESPECTABLE SPECIES YOU KNOW!"

"Wait wait wait," Light interrupted, "You are accusing me of being Kira, because I stabbed an orange?"

"CONFESSION!" L yelled, pointing at Light, "I HAVE TO ARREST YOU!"

"…."

A vibrating sound came from a blender as Mogi made himself some fresh home-made orange juice.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Ryuzaki tackled Mogi onto the floor and placed handcuffs on him.

"RYUZAKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Mogi cried out (omg he talked) as he was struggling against the detective.

"I ARREST YOU UNDER THE SUSPICION OF KIRA FOR THE MURDERS OF CRIMINALS ALL OVER THE WORLD! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE SILENT, NO RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY, AND NO RIGHT TO A FAIR TRIAL!"

"I WAS JUST MAKING ORANGE JUICE!"

"CONFESSION!" L smacked the man across his face, leaving a raw hand imprint on Mogi's cheek.

Meanwhile, Aizawa accidentally dropped a fruit basket full of oranges on Light.

"AHH! IT ATTACKED ME AGAIN!" Light screamed, "THE ORANGES ARE EVIL! EVIIIIIIIL!"

"…"

**8:40 a.m. Monday morning.**

"So do we all agree? Oranges are now legally considered as deadly weapons?" Light asked one last time, pacing across the room.

Mogi grunted, which in Mogi language means "yes".

Soichiro agreed as well, siding with his son.

Matsuda was dead, not the anyone cared, but since he got killed by an orange, the officers decided to make his count a "yes" as well.

Aizawa agreed too, for he despised the evil orange fruit that gets stuck in his afro. Don't ask how.

Only L disagreed. "YOU ALL ARE KIRA'S ACCOMPLICES AREN'T YOU!" he screamed, pointing accusingly at all of them. "I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOOOOUUUUU!"

Watari had to put L down in a straightjacket.

And President David Hoope approved of the deadly orange as a weapon.

* * *

**And so here is part 2! Well I was gonna write the original part two I had in mind, but I felt like I needed to add the orange of death here. :D**

**So part three is coming up next! Featuring the psycho serial killer known as Beyond Birthday! -magical confetti falls from the sky-**

**And thanks all my lovely reviewers!~~ Mello plushies for all! :D**

**Please review to help keep oranges out of schools and buildings, they are dangerous weapons.**

**Oh and you can comment any of your ideas here that I can use :D I'm running out of them so far...curse you lack of sleep!**


	6. Fear

**2:15 p.m. Monday afternoon.**

"Kyahahahahaha…."

L shivered under his desk, trying to hide until the laughter goes away.

"Kukukukuku….L…come out wherever you are….."

"….." L still refused to come out.

"I have cake!"

"…"

"I have Misa's bra!"

"…."

"I have a naked picture of Light Yagami!"

"LEMME SEE!" L dived out from under his desk. "Uh oh….."

"Kyahahahaha!"

"NOOOOO!"

**2:30 p.m. Monday afternoon.**

"Well well well…." Beyond Birthday paced across the room. "Now that I'm done tying you up. Let's see how we should choose your form of torture…."

L struggled against the tight ropes, but to no avail.

"B! LET ME GO THIS INSTANT!"

Beyond crouched on L's fancy swivel chair, licking jam off his fingers.

"Hmmmm….nah, I'm gonna leave you tied."

"DON'T SIT ON MAH FANCY CHAIR! D:"

"Silence!" Beyond smacked L across the face with a purple fish.

"OWWW!"

"Why are you yelling?"

"Cause you hit me with a fish!"

Beyond smirked. "I was just getting you ready for your torture."

He faced L's chair towards a wide screen TV, with giant stereos ready.

"B….what are you doing!"

"Kukukukukukuku…" Beyond twirled the remote in his hands. "Just your punishment."

"O_O"

He pressed the button on the remote…and on the screen, the unthinkable….the unimaginable….the worst horror anyone has ever had to face….it's…it's…IT'S!

**THE TELETUBBIES!**

L screamed, piercing the silent air with terrified howls throughout the Headquarters.

"KYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Meanwhile…..

"You really think Beyond could discipline L?" Soichiro asked nervously.

"Everything will be fine!" Light assured. "He's just the a psycho serial killer that has a passion to do anything to beat L, what could go wrong?"

"…."

Aizawa joined the conversation. "I think Light needs some discipline too. His behavior is getting out of hand."

"Out of hand? Silly Aizawa! I'm perfectly fi-!"

"DODGE!" Aizawa shoot Light with an orange cannon that somehow magically appeared out of nowhere.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Poor Light was being pummeled, screaming barbarically, and an unforgivable stain on his trousers. "NUUUUUUUUU! THEY'RE EVIL! EVIIIIL!"

"LIGHT!" Soichiro scolded. "'.DOOOOOOOOODGE!"

Matsuda jumped in just at the VERY wrong time.

"Hey guys!" he yelled excitedly.

Soichiro groaned. "What is it Matsuda?"

"I'm a banana!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm a banana!"

"Why are you wearing a banana suit?"

"I'M A BANANA!" Matsuda screamed at the top of his lungs. "I'm a banana~ I'm a banana~ I'm a banana! STOP! BANANA TIME!"

"Matsuda could you shut up?"

Aizawa pulled a baseball bat from his afro and charged directly at Matsuda.

"I'M A BANANA! I'M A BANANA! I'M A BANA- AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"DIE EVIL BANANA! DIEEEEEE!"

Soichiro, not caring enough to help Matsuda, just stood there.

"Am I the only person who isn't scared of retarded things…..?" He asked himself.

"Yagami-san!" Misa squealed. "Misa-Misa bought a bunny!"

Soichiro screamed and ran away.

* * *

**Happy Birthday Near!~~~**

**Actually I wrote this yesterday, but I didn't have time to upload it! D:**

**So yesterday was Near's birthday I know...**

**And I have a writer's block from reading so many romance stuff... o_o**

**Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed this piece of non-hilarious crap that I came up with at the last second.**

**Reviews to help the DN cast pay their therapists!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or the Banana Song! (Onision wrote it btw...)**


	7. Door

**4:13 a.m.**

"Light-kun…"

Light groaned and pulled the covers over his head.

"Light-kun…" He felt his sides being poked repeatedly.

"What!" Light hissed at the detective. "It's four a.m. in the f**king morning!"

"Light-kun…," L whispered sadly, giving him the most adorable pout he had ever seen. "I-it's important."

Light's face softened. "What is it L?" he asked gently.

"Nevermind…"

"Come on tell me."

"No, I don't want to anymore."

"Just tell me!"

"Okay…," L gave in. "Well you see…I was sleeping and…"

"And…?"

"I had a nightmare."

"…excuse me?"

L sat up. "I had nightmare Light-kun."

"So that's why you woke me up? You don't get _these_ looks by magic you know! I need my beauty sleep!" the teen grumbled and pulled the covers back up to cover his face.

"But Light-kun! I need to go to the bathroom!"

"Then go!"

"But I'm scared! The nightmare was creepy! D:"

"So is Misa without her make-up on, but you don't see me cowering in fear do you?"

"You scream everytime you see her…"

Light shot up from the bed. "Don't judge me! My puppy died when I brought him to meet everyone at the Headquarters! And Misa just _had_ to wake up late that day!"

"Come with me to the bathroom! D:"

"No."

"But I'm VERY scared!"

"Just put on your big boy Calvin Klein's and suck it up you freaking pansy."

L crossed his arms and frowned. "But I went with you to the bathroom when you had that nightmare about everyone in the world being more beautiful than you were!"

"…fine, but this ONE time only. Got it?"

"Yay!" The detective sprang out of bed and dragged the teen along with him.

**4:19 a.m.**

"Why in the world did I have to share a bedroom with you?"

"The more you complain Light-kun, the more your Kira percentage goes up," L reminded.

"You heartless b**tard…"

"38.736 percent Light-kun…"

"Just shut up and go to the bathroom already."

"Can you go into the bathroom with me? D:"

Woah woah woah. "What? Why?" Light questioned furiously.

L plastered an innocent smile on his face. "Because there might be a monster in there waiting to eat me. I need you to help me fight it off."

Light shook his head angrily. "No! No way! I already walked you here but I am not going in there and watch you and your sad excuse for a crotch pee just because you're scared of a stupid dream!"

"At least mines is better than yours!" L retorted, pointing at Light.

"You do not! And hurry up and use it already before I leave you alone!"

L surrendered and placed his hands in the air. "Fine, fine, but when I get eaten, it's on your conscience."

"Oh, poor me," he replied sarcastically.

"You're such a woman sometimes Light-kun…"

"I am not!" Light countered, putting both his hands on his hips. "Hurry up and go!"

"Fine…" L walked into the bathroom to do his…err…"business".

**4:24 a.m.**

Light had fallen asleep, leaning heavily against the bathroom door.

L was done…doing whatever he had to do and proceeded to open the door.

"Odd…" he muttered to himself, twisting the knob repeatedly. "Something's blocking the door. Could this bathroom lock from the outside? No, I don't think so."

He tried to see if the door was jammed, which of course, it wasn't. "Did Light-kun trap me in here? Oh well, time for drastic measures…"

L went to the opposite side of the bathroom, as far away from the door as he could. Then, he sprinted full speed towards the door and kicked it down.

The door bursted open.

"AHHHH!" Light shrieked as the gigantic door fell on him, pushing him down into a face first kiss with the floor.

L stood on the fallen door, scanning his eyes around for any sign of the item that was blocking the door. "Weird…, the door must've been jammed then. Perhaps I have missed something. And the door feels awfully bumpy…"

A muffled sound came from under the collapsed door he was standing on.

"Light-kun?" The detective stepped off the door. "What in the world were you doing under there?"

"…"

**The next night…**

"Light-kun, I had another nightmare, can you go to the bathroom with me?"

And L had to sleep in the bathtub for the rest of the week.

* * *

**Yeah, not my best work...**

**But I really really tried! I've been reading to much fluff lately!**

**And someone asked me why I kept putting asterisks in the cusswords.**

**I really don't like cursewords, so I partially censor them :D**

**o_o I have a major writer's block, so please, if you have any ideas, feel free to review and share them.**


	8. Responsibility

L was sitting contently in his favorite fancy swivel chair. A slice of shortcake to his left and a deliciously sugary tea on his right. Yes, today couldn't be more perfect. Until…

"Ryuzaki, I want a Barbie doll."

L nearly spat out his drink. He gazed up at Light's face, eyes wide (well they're usually wide) in horror.

"Excuse me, but did you just say that you wanted a _Barbie doll_ Light-kun?"

The brunette shifted nervously. "Or a doll, goldfish, or a dog or something," he muttered.

"And may I ask, why?"

"Well…," he began, "As an amazingly beautiful, highly intelligent and perfect person…"

L rolled his eyes. "You forgot humble…" he added sarcastically.

"Oh yes, thanks L. Well I get bored easily, and as an only child, I crave some responsibility, like taking care of a little sibling."

"But Light," Sayu cried out, "I'm right here!"

"D**mit Sayu! Didn't anyone tell you it's f**king impolite to interrupt!"

"But Ligh-"

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm your sis-"

"SAYU GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

The girl ran upstairs, bawling deafeningly as she did.

Light sighed and returned his attention back to L.

"I'm sorry that worthless bum of a b*tch had to interrupt me. Anyways, as I was saying, I want some sense of responsibility around here."

L nodded. "So a sense of responsibility? I understand Light-kun. How about we get something for you?"

And so they bought a rabbit.

When Light brought the bunny home, L scolded him for not purchasing a "manlier" pet.

"Real men own bunnies!" Light had countered L's criticism.

"Real men don't own every single Barney DVDs ever made…"

"I was 5 then!"

"You still keep them in your special drawer. And I saw you watching one of them last night."

"You spied on me!" Light scolded.

"There are cameras everywhere Light-kun," L replied, unruffled. "But, couldn't you have gotten a dog or something? Even a cat is far more understandable for a man to have than a bunny…"

"Don't judge me!" Light cried. He ran to his room and locked himself in, crying his eyes out and watching re-runs of Desperate Housewives.

Wow.

The snow white bunny was left on the floor by the detective's feet. He picked it up.

The rabbit was emotionless. It's eyes were dark, holding no traces of feeling in them.

"Near? How odd, it resembles him so much. Oh well, I should probably show it to the rest of the Task Force. Maybe even to Yagami-san to show how big of a pansy his son is…"

* * *

The Task Force was busy skimming over their Kira files, except for Matsuda who was trying to read the ABC book L had bought him, and of course failing to comprehend.

"Hello everyone!" L greeted rather cheerfully. "Look what I have!" He held up the rabbit for everybody to see.

"It's so soft!" Aizawa commented.

"It's so white!" Ukita added.

"It's a marshmallow! :D" Matsuda remarked. "Oh my god! It's so fluffy! It's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! :D"

L ignored the ranting idiot. "Oh yes, Yagami-san, would you like to touch it?"

No…

Soichiro gasped. He stared fearfully at the ball of fur cradled in L's arms. It's calculating eyes, the twitching nose. The creature was…was…

Evil.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The old man shrieked and ran around in circles. "EVIL! THAT CREATURE IS EVIIIIIL!

Aizawa and Mogi tried to calm the him down, but to no avail. Soichiro's fear rampage was too powerful. He ran into the closet, and busted out in a ninja suit minutes later.

"That thing must…DIE!" He shouted as he cocked his gun and attempted to shoot the bunny in L's hand. The detective screamed and flung the rabbit out of his arms.

"FOR THE LOVE OF CAKE! DON'T SHOOT ME!"

L had managed to dodge the repeating barrage of bullets that was launched at him.

What? He isn't L for nothing…

Anyways, Soichiro was throwing some shuriken stars that he had…purchased…from a certain store directly at the bunny.

He then pulled a flamethrower from his pants (wonder what's going on in there) and fired it at the rabbit.

Everyone gasped as they watched (and apparently doing nothing about it) Soichiro and his attempts to kill the creature.

"THE BUNNY!" Aizawa screeched.

"IT'S DONE FOR!" Ukita added.

"Light-kun is going to kill me for this…," L muttered.

"CHIEF IS TOASTING MY MARSHMALLOW! :D" Matsuda cheered happily.

The rest of the Task Force were too afraid of Soichiro to do anything, so instead, they planned to take out their grief and anger on Matsuda.

Because that's the right thing to do.

They all wore their fancy sombreros, climbed onto their llamas, grabbed a bunch of guavas, and charged at Matsuda.

"THIS IS REVENGE!"

"WE WILL AVENGE YOU BUNNY!"

They pummeled the officer with the foreign fruit and trample him with llama hooves.

"MATSUDA! YOU MUST LEARN TO READ!" L screamed, shoving thesauruses into Matsuda's face.

The floor was set on fire as the madness continued. Blood and paper were scattered everywhere.

* * *

Light was done with his womanly sulking problems, so he made his way to the main floor.

The elevator arrived, and as soon as Light entered the room, he could see all the commotion.

"WHAT HAPPENED!" the teen screamed frantically. "This…this…THIS IS MADNESS!"

L gazed at his direction, an axe in his hand. "Madness?" the detective said softly. He cackled, eventually coughing after wards.

"This is not madness Light."

"What?"

"THIS IS SPARTA! AHHHHHHHHHHH!" L screamed and chopped his slice of cake in half with the dangerously wielded axe.

"AHHHHHHHH!"

But soon, Watari cleaned up the situation, changed all their diapers, and placed them to sleep. And the bunny was sold back to the pet store.

* * *

"You know what I would like Sachiko?" Soichiro had sat down with his wife after dinner. "I want a second child. I'm tired of having to take care of only one child. We need someone as brilliant as Light. Maybe a daughter. And we can name her Sayu!"

"But daddy," Sayu whined, "I'm right here!"

"…go to your room Sayu…"

* * *

**Wow, this story had taken a random turn...**

**Might as well give me a giant F for this failed chapter...**

**Anyways, I would like to thank TheLegacyLives for her ideas! :D -claps-**

**So here is the next chapter.**

**Is it just me, or is it when the more I write the worse I get?**

**Oh well, reviews are brain fuel for mah brain! :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note (sadly) Nor do I own Barbie dolls, sparta, guavas, llamas, sombreros, and thesauruses.**


	9. Heatwave Part I

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE**

* * *

"And so far, the Kanto region of Japan is suffering mass heat waves. Everywhere buildings are exploding, air conditioners are failing, and Pokémon are dying…"

_Click. _Light turned the TV off.

"I hate this heat wave!" he screamed, flinging the remote at Matsuda.

"OWWW!" Matsuda cried as it bounced off his hollow head. "WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"D*MMIT MATSUDA! SHUT YOUR F**KING PIEHOLE!"

"Light-kun!" L scolded. "Violence is NEVER the answer!"

Matsuda continued wailing frantically, running back and forth across the room.

"MATSUDA! FOR THE LOVE OF POTATO CHIPS, STOP CRYING!" Light grabbed Matsuda by the ear and spanked him repeatedly.

"Look, Light-kun," L sighed, "I don't think spanking an incompetent idiot will solve this broken air conditioning problem."

"But it does make you feel better…"

"Light-kun, please release Matsuda…"

"Oh fine!"

Matsuda sniffled, carefully rubbing his sore rear end. "R-ryuzaki," Matsuda began between sniffles, "How long will the heat wave last?"

"Hmmm…as the great detective L, I assume it would be over in three days."

"THREE DAYS!" Light screamed. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS HEAT IS DOING TO MY PERFECTLY AWESOME AND FLAWLESS HAIR!"

"Light-kun, I do not care about your hair issues. What does matter is the safety and well being of our slaves."

"Ryuzaki, don't you mean co-workers?"

"Yeah, whatever. Plus, it's just a little hot air. You don't see me complaining do you?"

"Oh please!" Light sneered, "I bet I could last waaaay longer than YOU can."

"Will that be considered a bet Light-kun?"

"Yes. It is. And if I win, you have to buy me all my hair care products for the rest of the year," he explained, crossing his arms.

"And if I win. Light-kun has to give up all hair care products and buy me cake for the rest of the year."

"No fair!" the teen whined, "That's two bets!"

"Ah, but its two bets in one line."

"And the rules! You can do whatever it takes to stay cool! But no sabotaging! The last person to go insane from overheating wins!"

"Whatever you want," L agreed.

"Whatever, I'm gonna win anyway!" Light pointed at the detective. "You'll see! Cause Light Yagami never loses! NEVER! YOU HEAR ME? NEVEEEEEER! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Note to self: Stop buying Light-kun barbeque potato chips…"

Matsuda skipped happily up to the both of them. "Hey Light-kun! Ryuzaki! Can I join the bet too? Can I? Can I? Can I?" he begged.

"Yeah yeah whatever Matsuda," Light shooed him away.

"Then may the toughest man win Light-kun." L held out his hand.

Light smirked, shaking hands. "You got it."

* * *

**And this is part one of the heatwave bet! :D**

**Yeah I know, it's short.**

**I got the idea while I was riding on the bus to go home.**

**It was HOT! I was worried I couldn't last in there and probably died when the vehicle finally came to my bus stop. O_O**

**But at least something good came out of it!**

**Well, maybe not THAT good, but I'm really trying!**

**And a VERY important question...**

**Team L or Team Light? Who would last longer?**

**Reviews are love!**


	10. Heatwave Part II

**Heat wave: Hour one.**

"Uuuuuuuggggghhhhh…"

Light flopped over on his belly, groaning all the while.

"Hoooooooooooooooot…"

L , on the other hand, seemed perfectly content with the rising temperatures.

"Ryuuuuuzaaaaaakiiiii," the teen moaned, "Why do we have to shut all the doors and windows..?"

"Simple Light-kun," L replied, bringing his tea cup to his lips, "If we leave them open, intruders, stalkers, and Barney the Dinosaur might infiltrate the Headquarters. The security and generators have exploded due to the heat wave."

Light rolled over on his back. "At least fill the floor with water."

"Our water supply seems to be lacking as well."

"D*mmit!" Light cried out, tearing off his shirt. "How much water do we have left?"

L glanced up at the ceiling. "Hmm…we have about a bathtub full."

"A bathtub full?"

"Yes Light-kun, a bathtub full."

"So…," he sat up from the floor, "Are you sure no one is…I dunno, taking a bath in it?"

"Don't worry Light-kun, I have something to fix that problem."

* * *

Matsuda rushed to the bathroom. "Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee!" he screamed frantically as he dashed down the hall. Watari stood in front of the bathroom motionless, arms behind his back. Matsuda ran up to him. "Hey, Watari, I reeeeaaaally have to go or my tally whacker will explode! D:"

The old man remained still.

"Watari!" Matsuda cried out, jumping up and down while holding his crotch to prevent a urine explosion. "PLEASE LET ME IN!"

Watari didn't budge.

"I'm going in!" he shouted. "RAAAAAAWR!" He attempted to blast through the old man as well as the door, but…

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Watari proceeded to beat up the officer with a banana, causing minor bruises and bumps on his defenseless body.

"NO! WATARI! STOOOOP! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

* * *

**Heat wave: Hour two.**

Misa screamed as she ran into the room.

"MISA'S MAKE-UP IS MELTING!"

L and Light nearly fainted at the sight of the terrifying dripping glitter face paint smearing down the model's face. Her giant tears were making the horror more obscene

"Hey Ryuzaki!" The geniuses' panic attack were interrupted by a certain Japanese afro man. "I got some of the Kira files…" The officer held his gaze on Misa's melting face. "And…it seems…that…that…that…duuuuuuuuh…"

"…"

After a few more moments of eye burning images, Aizawa jumped out of the window and exploded while descending 32 stories from the building.

"Amane-san!" L scolded. "Please shoot yourself in the head and drown yourself in a river before you kill someone else!" Light quickly raised his hand. "I can help you with that!" he volunteered.

"B-but Misa-Misa doesn't want to!" she bawled loudly. "Misa-Misa wants Ryuzaki to fix Misa with his magical tooth fairy powers! D:"

Light dragged the blonde to the closet, pushed her inside, and locked the door.

* * *

**Heat wave: Hour three.**

Soichiro made his way in front of the bathroom door, where Watari stood like a statue.

"So Watari, do you mind letting me i-"

Watari shoved a potato in the man's mouth.

* * *

**Heat wave: Hour four.**

Light was beginning to show signs of insanity.

For the past hour, he had been rocking back and forth in fetal position by the dark corner of the room. The detective wanted to win this bet, but he also had a heart. It wasn't that big, but it was a heart nonetheless. He walked over to Light.

"Light-kun are you okay? I should remind you that once you go completely violent and insane, you'll lose our bet."

The teen continued rocking. "They're coming…they're out to get me…"

"What is out to get you?"

Light turned his head slowly to face the human panda. "The _Plushies_…" he replied eerily. "T-they're everywhere, and they said they'll eat me if I don't give them the Tomato King…"

L hated to admit it, but he found the boy's response to be rather amusing. "The Tomato King…?"

"YES!" the teen yelled out, "THE TOMATO KING! THEY WANT HIM RYUZAKI!" He uttered a short moment of crazed laughter, then resumed into his rocking position. "Tomato…tomato…tomato…"

* * *

Misa was cowering in the dark, creepy closet. She hiccupped between sobs and sobbed between hiccups. "It's okay," she assured herself nervously, "It's just dark. Santa will save me soon. And then he'll take me to Candy Mountain, and feed me sugar filled with sweets and joy." She laughed, and then cried uncontrollably.

Suddenly, a shovel pierced through the floor of the closet, revealing a blinding light that came from the beautiful outside world.

"Greetings!" the blad man greeted from the hole. "I have come to rescue you! :D"

Misa cried with joy. "Santa you saved me!"

The man shone his flashlight onto Misa's face.

Then he exploded.

* * *

**And here is part 2! -crickets chirp-**

**Okay, so I have been busy during my fourday weekend and couldn't find time to write. -gets hit by tomatoes-**

**The Random Stalker: Lies! That's her excuse for being lazy!**

**No seriously, I was busy with the family.**

**But anyways, here you go!**

**And if you have any random/crazy/wierd/funny/all of the above ideas, feel free to share them in your reviews! :D**


	11. Censor

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or Orbit, or any other things mentioned here in my fanfics. Enjoy.**

* * *

"Poppycock!" Light cursed as he entered the room.

"Would Light-kun kindly shut the frazzles up!" L retorted.

Aizawa stubbed his toe onto the leg of the wooden table. "FISHSTICKS ON TOOTHPASTE! THAT HURT LIKE SPRINKLES!" he cried.

"You tally whackers need to shut your lumps!" the teen hissed. He picked up a slice of lemon pie and tossed it directly at Aizawa's forehead.

"MY PIE!" L shouted. "YOU DESTROYED MY PIE YOU WHIZ BANGER!" The detective charged at Light with an apple.

"YOU CAN'T HURT ME YOU HOLLAWANG!" Light challenged.

L screamed and smashed the apple right on Light's crotch.

"MY PIXIE STICK!" Light yelled in pain, tenderly holding his injured area.

"Holy pimps on a salesman! What the skittles is going on in here!" Soichiro ran over to comfort his bewildered son.

"RYUZAKI BROKE MY DRIED CARROT!" Light cried to his father.

L pointed at the teen. "BECAUSE THAT SUCKABAGGER RUINED MY PIE!" he defended.

"THAT WANG DINGY ALSO HIT ME IN THE FACE!" Aizawa added.

"GO SUCK ON MY POPCORN YOU CORNERIAS!" Light slapped them both.

"Light!" Soichiro scolded, "Calm down or I'll have to ship your fizzle tinder in a box to Antarctica!"

* * *

**Intermission**

**Lemon Pie, apply directly to forehead! :D**

**Do you have those severed headaches from stress and insanity? Do you often find yourself so depressed with your life and make people wonder why you haven't drowned yourself yet? Well we recommend Lemon Pie! Just apply directly to forehead!**

"**I used to have headaches all the time," Aizawa had told our reporter. "Now with Lemon Pie, all those days are gone!"**

**You've heard it! And you can get this product for the amazing ****money sucking**** price of $9999.99! Shipping and handling is not free. We are absolutely not paying him to trick you into buying our worthless product! Order now! At 1-800-THIS-PRODUCT-DOES-NOT-EXIST, or visit us at .com! **

**End of intermission**

* * *

Soichiro had rubbed Light's mouth with deodorant and taped it shut.

Light attempted to launch a barrage of curses at the old man, but the evil duct tape had muffled him.

Stupid tape.

Soichiro was giving his son one of the worst lectures of all time. The teen could feel his brain swell, ready to burst. _If my brain is going to explode, can it happen sooner, like right now?_

While Soichiro as pacing back and forth, he slipped on an obviously noticeable slice of lemon pie on the floor, fell on his spine, and broke his brittle old back.

"OH MY POPSICLES! WHO THE PUMPERNICKEL WOULD LEAVE A WALLY TACKING PIECE OF PIE ON THE COT ROCKING FLOOR! MY BACK! OH FISHEN WAGEN! LUMPER PUMPS! CROTCHETY DOODLES! TIMBLE TWIGS! CAN ANYONE HELP MY KICKER BANGING BACK!"

Matsuda walked by the pained old man and stuffed multiple pieces of gum into his gaping mouth.

"Orbit cleans another dirty mouth :D" He explained cheerily.

L whacked Matsuda on the head with a pretzel stick. "Shut up you jabber wicker, and take the tape of Light-kun's mouth."

Light shook his head furiously. No! Anyone but MATSUDA! He could feel the detectives eerie smirk burning his insides.

"Okay!" Matsuda agreed quickly. He skipped up to the tied up teen and grabbed hold of the tape.

"In three, okay Light-kun?"

Before Light could answer, the officer had already started counting.

Well…something close to that.

"1, apple pie, umbrella, princess dress, flying unicorns, 6, 4, rainbow glaze, butler tea, 9, 2, 5, 76, 24, peanuts!"

"OH WOULD YOU JUST YANK IT OFF ALREADY!" L shouted and ripped the tape off the brunette's mouth.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOW!" Light cupped his hands over his scarred lips. He rolled across the carpet in fetal position.

"PERRY WINKLE! OSMOSIS! HOLLA JABBAH! MY LIPS ARE BURNING!"

The detective shrugged his shoulders. "At least your hair looks fine."

Light paused and glared at L.

"B*tch…"

* * *

**I know, I know...**

**This isn't an addition to the heat wave contest...**

**I've got a writer's block for watching too much Kuroshitsuji...I love that anime..**

**So yeah, I can't concentrate! Gaaaaaah!**

**Please forgive me!**

**But this was an idea I had for a while, so enjoy! :D**

**Reviews to help boost my inspiration :3**


	12. Sheeply Pranks

Ah, April Fools. The happy day for our fellow pranksters and a day of tragic for the unlucky pansies of whom we torment to our pleasure.

The magnificent oak tree stood outside the beloved (and dysfunctional) Whammy's House, covered from branch to branch in colorful silly string.

One of our most top pranksters is none other than the leather wearing chocolate eating uke whipping hair flipping ass freak known as Mello. And to Near's bad luck, the little sheep had been the main target of the psycho she-man's pranks.

But this year was different.

It starts off as usual. Cowering, whimpers, screams, crying, and the occasional stain inside one's pants. Also to the prankster's side, laughter, giggles, chuckles, and of course, for the hardcore people, roping and whipping.

We see the little sheep hiding in the dark shadows of an open corner, waiting for the torment that was about to come from the blonde transvestite.

But where is the little psychopath?

He's with our favorite goggled red headed naked gamer, bound to a chair with a chain in hand.

What? That's what we expected right?

Nah, just kidding.

The leather wearing chocolate eating uke whipping hair flipping ass freak, was in bed.

-insert dramatic music here-

What! Mello? In bed! On April Fool's Day! Impossible you say!

Well stop saying stuff and listen.

Yes, the lunatic was in bed, covered in a mass of blankets. His perfect L'Oreal shampooed hair was in disarray.

You see, last night was Chocolate Night, where Mello, the sociopath that he is, drank all the hot chocolate he could consume. And after being drunk on chocolate, he moved on to "business" with the red headed gamer, only to pass out halfway there.

And so he lies in bed on April Fools.

Near, with his amazing ninjatastic sheeply senses, had gained information of this fantastic news.

Okay, maybe it was just a certain jam loving serial killer who had spread the word.

And so grasping this opportunity, the little sheep had his hooves on an amazingly epic prank.

Well, epic on his poor level of experience.

After a few badly imitated James Bond stunts, Near had somehow managed to smuggle a repulsive 3 inch short slut dress out of Misa's dressing room along with her pancake whore make-up.

This experience still sent the little sheep shivers to this day.

Anyway, Near and his epic moves (though not as epic as L's) had brought him inside the cave of the sleeping chocolate addict.

Insert the creepy thunder and lightning here.

This was forbidden territory, the sheep knew. (Well unless you have red hair and orange goggles) But he had to finish his mission.

But no mission is good without music! So let's just put on the "Mission Impossible" theme here.

Okay, now that we've got that out of the way.

Near stumbled and rolled his way onto the blonde dragon's bed, being careful to not drop his slut items.

Cautiously, he removed the mountain of blankets on the floor, only to find something that would haunt him for the rest of his miserable life...

LEATHER THONG!

Yes, the only article of clothing that the blonde she-man was wearing.

I apologize if some of you may have this image in your dreams tonight.

Near covered his eyes in horror. Oh why must he go through this?

But a mission is a mission! For the love of Chuck Norris, he HAD to do this!

Carefully, he dressed Mello in the dress. But the repulsive thing was so short that it couldn't completely conceal the leather lingerie.

Oh well, it had to do.

The sheep also applied the whore make-up on Mello's skin.

How lucky that his face wasn't burning yet.

Well after doing so, Near stumbled and rolled quietly out of the blonde dragon's cave. He crept back into the shadows, completely disappearing from view.

A few hours later, Mello woke up to a headache. He plopped out of bed, dragging his way in front of the mirror.

And the dragon unleashed his roar.

Mello thrashed through the halls to find the sheep who had done this, the debris left to the side from his bitching rampage. The students gasped in horror, wondering what idiot would anger the blonde psychopath while he was PMSing.

Using his Mello senses, he found Near hiding in the shadows.

What? You can't be L's successors without having ninja senses.

Anyways, when Near was found, Mello got his sweet revenge.

And Near hated leather thongs for a LOT of reasons.

* * *

**This is the first story I had ever made.**

**I wouldn't say it's good, but it's decent. **

**I deleted it from this website, but then I realized, what the hey? Why not add it as a chapter? I know it's terrible, but it would be a waste to let it be deleted from my documents and vanish forever.**

**Anyways, hope you enjoyed it!**

**And if you hated it, well...suggestions and reviews are encouraged.**


	13. Little Light Hood

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Guys, sorry I haven't been posting. I have 5 projects in school due next week. So before I leave on this long and arduous journey, I present you this chapter. It may be two weeks before I post another chapter up.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

* * *

Once upon a time there was a land full of chocolates, jams, and killer oranges known as Japan. In Japan, there was the Yagami household, where an amazingly handsome dramatic potato chip eater and writing obsessed little 18 year old boy lived. This boy lived in the dangerous woods that were full of nasty pedophi- I mean wolves, that lurk around, waiting to rap- err… eat little boys.

One day, the boy's father had sent him out to bring some apples to his sickly grandmother.

"Now son," the old man lectured, much to the boy's dislike, "Grandma Ryuk is terribly sick, and she needs these apples desperately. But whatever you do, do not stray the path, talk to any strangers, or offer them any apples. And don't forget to wear this." He tossed a crimson red cape to the boy.

"Why the f**k do I have to wear this?" the boy questioned.

"Because once the pedo-wolves see how fruity you look, they wouldn't dare touch you."

And the boy set off, skipping into the woods in a too girly fashion.

Along the path, the boy met a forked road. One going to the right, the other to the left.

"Hmmm, I wonder which path I should take. What did dad say?" He tried to recall his old man's words.

'_Stray off the path as soon as possible!'_

"Oh hey! A sign on the right road! 'This is the right path, don't stray off of it.' And a sign on the left! 'Warning: Pedo-wolves. Do not enter.' Well seems safe to me!" He giggled and went down the path on the left.

In the trees, hid a big bad wolf…panda…man…thing…person. Anyways, he went by the name of L. L was a very hungry big bad wolf-panda-man-thing-person. He would try to lure innocent little boys into the deep part of the woods alone so he can mole- uhh…eat them.

Now Light was prancing through the left path full of danger signs and skeleton bones. "Oh what a wonderful happy darling day!" the boy sang. "Clearly nothing bad is going to happen to me! Oh wait, I hope I didn't jinx that."

L jumped out of the trees, crouching on the forest floor.

"AHHHHHH!" The boy let out a high pitched shriek. "O-M-G! It's like, the big bad pedophile! Like totally! Like omg! Like, I am sooooo gonna get in totally big trouble for this!"

"Why hello fruity little boy," L greeted. "Would you mind having a nice conversation with me?"

The boy tried to remember what his father had told him.

'_And remember! Talk to every stranger you see along the way!'_

"Why yes I would!" the boy replied happily. "My daddy told me to!"

'_What an odd father,'_ thought L. "What's your name?"

"Little Light Hood!" the boy answered.

"And where are you going?"

"To Grandma Ryuk's house!"

L eyed the basket in the boy's hands viciously. "May I have an apple?"

"Hmmm…" The boy tried to follow his father's rules.

"_Offer the strangers some f**king apples or I'll ship you in a box to Canada."_

The boy gasped and nodded furiously. "Take all the apples! I'm going to my Grandma!" He tossed the apples at L and darted into the woods.

'_What a strange kid…,'_ L mused. _'I must have him.'_

So L made his way to the only house in the freaking woods, Grandma Ryuk's house.

* * *

"Grandma!" the little boy called out as he pushed open the door. "I'm here! I gave all your d*mn apples away to some stranger so daddy won't ship me off to Canada!"

"Why yes, come on in," called out a voice from the bed.

The boy hopped to the bed, eyes widening at the figure he saw.

"Grandma! You're…you're…"

"What?"

"You look great! You don't look like a gay clown anymore!" the boy cheered. "But you look like a pedophile!"

Indeed it was a pedophile, for the grandma in the bed was none other than L, the big bad wolf-panda-man-thing-person!

"Why Grandma," Light commented innocently, "What nice eyes you have!"

"The better to see your pretty little face with my dear," replied L.

"And what pretty hands you have!"

"The better to grope you with dear."

"And what an awesome body!" the boy complimented.

"Just shut the f**k up and get over here you little son of a b**ch.

"Stop! In the name of justice!" someone yelled out. As the door fell down in slow motion, said person stood in the light, hidden by the shadows, epically posing a Michael Jackson move. And the figure slipped and slid his way into the room. "For I am…Matsuda!"

L gasped at the man. "It's you! The big bad wolf-panda-man-thing-person hunter!" Matsuda took of his fancy fedora, and threw it off to the side.

"Owww!"

"Sorry little boy! But I have come to save you!" Matsuda materialized a sack out of thin air with his magical blue sparkles. "In this sack, contains the most dangerous weapon man has ever known."

L cowered in the corner in horror. "No…it cannot be!" he blurted out.

"Oh but it is!" Matsuda countered. "Feast your eyes on the amazing, the brave, the magnificent…"

He dug his hands into the sack and pulled out…

"THE MIGHTY STICK OF JUSTICE!"

The little boy nearly fainted from shock. "The Mighty Stick of Justice! Only the noble could obtain such a forbidden weapon!" he cried out. L turned pale…r. He looked frantically around the room for escape. But the door was busted down, the windows were open, and there was a gigantic hole in the wall! There was no escape!

"Now face your death you sick beast!" Matsuda yelled, waving The Mighty Stick of Justice at the big bad wolf-panda-man-thing-person. "AHHHHHHHHH!" L screamed in pain as the stick gave him a horrible, terrible, minor splinter. "THE PAIN! THE PAIN!"

And so L melted, Light was shipped off to Canada, and Matsuda poked himself with The Mighty Stick of Justice, instantly killing himself. And they lived horribly ever after. The end.


	14. Heatwave Part III

**Yes I am back! So I bring you...**

**Heatwave! Part 3!**

**-tomatoes get thrown- Okay okay, I haven't posted in weeks, blame school!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE! -cries-**

* * *

**Heat wave: Hour 5.**

"So Ryuzaki…," Soichiro spoke to the back of L's chair. The detective spun around. "Yes Yagami-san?"

"This bet. It's not gonna destroy my son's mental stability, is it?"

L laughed. "Oh silly Yagami-san! This is a perfectly safe and harmless game! Nothing's gonna happen! What would make you ask such a question?"

"Well…I don't know. I guess it's because everytime you two have an idea, it turns out to be a disaster," the old man sighed.

"Well Yagami-san, your son is going to be perfectly fine. Nothing is going to happen to him," the panda man assured.

"You just jinxed it didn't you?"

"I hope I did not Yagami-san…"

* * *

Light gaped at the beautiful blue butterfly fluttering in from the window. "Pretty~" the boy mused. "I'm gonna catch it! Then eat it! :D"

And so, like the little tard he is, the brunette chased the insect. "Butterfly!" The butterfly was flying too far out of the boy's grasp. "No butterfly! D:" He looked around an found a pistol at an arm's reach. "I'll use this!" He cried happily and started shooting at the insect multiple times, missing of course. "BANG! MUAHAHAHAHA! BANG! BANG!"

The frightened thing flew near the stairs. The boy ran down the halls after it, where a seemingly harmless large and pointy rock sat. "BUTTERFLY!" And then…he tripped over, yup, you guessed it.

Over a ladybug.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Terrified screams came from Light. His head collided repeatedly as he bounced off each two steps.

"OW!" _Thump._ "OW!" _Thump._ "OW!" _Thump._

Matsuda ran upstairs in the other direction, 8 large coffee cups in hand.

"OW!" _Thump._ "OW!" _Thump._ The officer glanced up. "Oh mah god! Light-kun! :D I have your coffee with no sugar and extra pencil shavings!" He tossed the cup at the boy, hitting him in the forehead, instantly knocking him unconscious. Light rolled gently down the rest of the stair flights.

Matsuda stood at the top of the stairs, watching as Light's body tripped various strangers down the steps as they climbed up.

"Have fun Light-kun! :D" he cried out and left.

* * *

**Heat wave: Hour 6**

"Yagami-san…"

"Yes Ryuzaki?" The old man froze at the detective's pedophilic stare. "R-ryuzaki…?"

"You…"

"Uhhmm…excuse me Ryuzaki?"

"YOU LOST THE GAME!" L responded with a scream and frantic arm waving. "BAHAHAHA!" His trail of laughter faded as he ran. Far, far away. Soichiro could only stand there gaping, practically immobilized.

"This is terrible," Soichiro spoke to himself, "I must call Watari and inform of this right away." So he hurried to make his way to a large wardrobe. Scanning his handprints, the wooden doors opened and popped out a number pad. Soichiro quickly punched a large number sequence in while the inner doors opened.

"Closet Watari, at your service. What seems to be the problem Mr. Yagami?" the well dressed old man questioned.

Soichiro continued to stare blankly at the floor before whispering, "I lost…the game…"

Watari's pants fell down as he gasped, revealing some yellow ducky boxers.

"YOU LOST THE GAME? ARE YOU MAD?" Watari shouted in horror.

"Yes I lost the game," Soichiro admitted sadly, "Nice boxers by the way."

"Why thank you. They were a gift from mother."

"Quite fascinating."

"Indeed."

* * *

**Heat wave: Hour 7.**

"Guys guys guys! Guess what!" Matsuda cried as he bounced into the lounge on a pogo stick.

Aizawa raised his eyes to the hopping man in front of him. "What is it Matsuda?"

"Okay here it is," Matsuda said for failed dramatic effect, "Chief Yagami lost the game." He gazed around at the shocked and stunned faces of his co-workers in the room.

"Oh no!"

"Oh noes!"

"Oh noooo!"

"Oh no!"

"OH YEAH!," L crashed into the wall, arms flung in all directions and his face twisted into humorous insanity.

"…"

* * *

"L, do you know why you're here, right now, in this locked white padded room?" Watari paced, eyeing his twitching boss.

"No Watari, I do not."

"You are here because of your hobby," Watari informed, "I am concerned with this crashing into the wall bit every chapter."

L scoffed. "Blame the writer with her totally unoriginal and repeating ideas."

"Uhhh anyways," Watari changed the subject, "You have got to stop. You are destroying your brain cells, and therefore, your deductive abilities are decreasing."

"So…?"

"We have to feed you…" Watari paused, a grim expression on his face.

"What?" the detective worried, "Feed me what? Tell me Watari!"

"Vegetables…"

L dropped onto his knees, his head facing the ceiling. His hands into the dramatic posed that reached above him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Aizawa finished beautifying his wanna-be afro and averted his stare towards Matsuda.

"Hey Matsuda."

"Yes…?" the officer responded.

"Why do you have a pogo stick?"

Matsuda giggled in a shrilly manner. "Why silly Aizawa! It's so obvious!"

"What?" Aizawa asked. What could be so obvious with a pogo stick other than bounce and jump as a playtime?

"I will use this to bounce across the world! :D" Matsuda answered cheerily.

"Couldn't you just take a plane around the world?"

Matsuda stared blankly at the afro-ed man. "What's a plane?"

"Ahhh, never mind."


	15. Interrogation

**I have been feeling rather lazy lately. So here is a random chapter I wrote while eating lots candy o_o.**

**Yes the font is different, and again, I repeat, I felt lazy. But enjoy anyways!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE OR ANY OTHER TV LINES.**

* * *

Light: -walks into a pitch black room and sits down in a chair-

L: -light from ceiling lamp shines on him- Welcome. I am Ryuzaki. You have been accused of being Kira. I am going to interrogate the sh*t out of you today.

Light: Ryuzaki, I already know who you a-

L: Sir, what is your name?

Light: What? I've worked with you for over a month! Why would you ask me t-

L: Sir! This is an interrogation! I ask the questions here! What is your name?

Light: -sighs- James Bond.

L: And how old are you?

Light: I am a magical leprechaun so I have no real age.

L: Hmm… -scribbles down on his notepad- Have you spoken to the platypus?

Light: What platypus? I don't see one here.

L: -jumps out of chair- FOOL! DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT SPEAK TO THE PLATYPUS?

Light: I didn't speak to it!

L: WRONG! DID YOU CROSS THE BRIDGE OF MADNESS OR THE BRIDGE OF INSANITY?

Light: What bridge! There is no bri-

L: YOU LIEE! -smacks Light across the face with a lollipop-

Light: OWWWW!

L: WHERE IS THE DUCKY? I DEMAND TO SEE THE DUCKY!

Light: I don't even own a duck!

L: YOU HAVE THE MAP TO THE LAND OF PONIES!

Light: What kind of interrogation is this!

L: -points- YOU JUST LOST THE GAME!

Light: WHAT GAME?

L: -stares creepily- The game…OF THE SEAGULLS! BAHAHAHAHA!

Light: Do you have some sort of new medication I should know about?

L: -waves frantically at an empty space beside him- LIGHT! MEET MY UNICORNS! :D

Light: There is nothing in this room!

L: -talking to said empty space- DON'T LISTEN TO HIM BUBBLEGUM UNICORN! YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE REAL TO ME!

Light: L, I think you need some help…

L: OH MAH GOD! A FAIRY JUST FLEW IN HERE!

Light: This hallucination is getting out of hand.

L: IT'S A POISONOUS FAIRY! LIGHT! DON'T MOVE! -whacks Light on the nose with his clipboard-

Light: OWWWW!

L: I BET THAT FAIRY WAS KIRA! I CAUGHT KIRA! :D

Light: -covering his broken nose- YOU JUST BROKE MY NOSE!

L: Sir, you shouldn't play with clipboards. They're very dangerous.

Light: YOU HIT ME WITH IT!

L: Do I have to bring the oranges out again? -glares-

Light: -cowers in his seat- Oh dear Kira, no!

L: You shouldn't be scared on such a wonderful, sweetie-licious day! :D

Light: Sweetie…licious?

L: Light-kun! Do you know I have a fear, of ducks?

Light: -confuzzled face- You fear ducks?

L: Light-kun! It is a serious matter and you are not allowed to share it with anyone!

Light: So you just told a deep secret to the person that you assume is a mass serial killer?

L: -sparkly eyes- Oh Light-kun! You're such a great friend!

Light: Uhh…thanks?

L: Do you like lemons? I love lemons. I actually have a shrine for them so they can grant me some lemony wishing goodness! Aren't lemons awesome? I love to make lemonade! :D

Light: Ryuzaki, I think you have A.D.D.

L: Silly Light-kun! Pigs don't skate on ice! Oh! Let me shave your hair! It's so niiiiiiiiiice… :D

Light: WHAT!

L: -gets a shaver- GIVE ME YOUR HEAD!

Light: -starts running towards the door- AHHHHHH!

L: -chases after Light- I LIKE PEANUTS!

Light: -tries to open door, but unfortunately locked- GAAAAAH!

L: -tackles Light onto the ground- LET ME HAVE YOUR HAIR!

Light: -struggles, but no use- RYUZAKI! LISTEN TO ME! WHAT WOULD WATARI SAY ABOUT THIS?

L: I WORSHIP PLATYPUS!

Light: THEN WHAT WOULD THE PLATYPUS DO!

L: -turns off the shaver- Light-kun. It's a platypus. They don't do much you know. –gets up and walks away-

Light: …

* * *

**Yes, so if you have any ideas. Feel free to share!**

**Reviews to help support platypuses!**


	16. Surprise

**Sorry sorry sorry! D: My Internet is now really slow and suckish so I apologize for the late update!**

**And I have been suffering from writer's block, so I apologize again.**

**So here's a super short chapter (again, sorry) but enjoy!**

* * *

A perfect day for the perfectly perfect Light Yagami. Hot coffee, no Misa, beautiful sky, no Matsuda, and best of all, no L.

"Light-kun!"

Light jumped up in a moment of surprise as his cup flew from his hand.

D*mn you L.

The detective came bursting into the room and starting shouting without a pause. "Light-kun! I have this absolutely amazing thing that you MUST see it is so freaking cool and if you don't come right this instant I shall keep yelling until my head explodes and we shall all drown in my smarticles!" He stopped and took a deep breath.

The teen twitched at the sight of his spilled coffee. "Dam**t Ryuzaki! You ruined my perfection on this perfectly perfect day full of perfectness!"

"Screw your coffee man! Get over here!" L tugged at his arm, dragging the unwilling Light out of the room.

"You're going to pay for my a** ripped jeans Ryuzaki," he muttered.

Upon coming to a door, Ryuzaki dropped the teen onto the floor.

"OWWW!"

"Shut up Light-kun, because you are about to see…" The door slowly opened, moaning a seemingly endless creak.

"MAH UNICORN! :D"

No way, Light told himself.

But indeed there was a unicorn, in its entire magical pink rainbow sparkling glory.

"So Ryuzaki."

"Yes, Light-kun?" the detective responded.

"All this time," Light spoke slowly, "You actually had a unicorn?"

"Pretty much."

"…"

The teen sprinted out into the hallway, leaving L and his magical girly friend to themselves.

"Psssh, jealous," Ryuzaki muttered.

* * *

**-facepalm- Might be my worse yet. It will haunt meeeeeee...**

**Disclaimer: I do not OWN Death Note or unicorns.**


	17. Adventure

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Charlie the Unicorn, or anything already owned by someone else.

* * *

"Psst…"

Light groaned and covered his head with his pillow.

"Light-kun…"

Light shot up from the bed. "WHAT?" To his horror, he woke up to the faces of Ryuzaki and Matsuda.

"Hey Liiiight, let's go on an adventure~" L suggested in a shrilly voice.

"Yeah, a wonderful, fantastic, majestic adventuuuuuure~" Matsuda agreed in an even shriller voice.

"Oh god this is a nightmare."

The detective skipped around the room, throwing flower petals in the air. "We're gonna go to Tomato Land~"

"Land of the Tomatoes~" Matsuda added.

"This is a terrible, horrible, nightmare."

Matsuda dragged the teen out of bed. "We're gonna go through the pooooortaaaal~"

Ryuzaki wiggled his arms. "The beautiful pooooortaaaal~"

Light's murderous instinct shot up to Overload.

"The pooortaaaal~" Matsuda giggled.

"Go into the liiiiiiiiiight Light-kun~" No pun intended.

They pushed the teen into the blinding door.

* * *

Light woke up to a land with green meadows, clear sky, and birds chirping.

"This is by far the worst nightmare I have ever had."

L placed a hand on the teen's shoulder. "Every gay relationship starts with a hand on the shoulder~"

"What?"

"We shall go on an adventuuuuure~" L locked arms with Matsuda and started spinning around.

"Yay~ Adventuuuuure~"

_God, kill me now. Oh wait. I am god. Heh. _

_

* * *

_

L and Matsuda continued to drag the unwilling Light along an unknown path.

"Where the h*ll are we going?" the teen complained.

"To the Fuuuuurleon~" the officer replied.

"The Furleon?"

"Teeeh Fuuurleeeeooon~"

L suddenly stopped and stood motionless along with Matsuda.

"Guys?" Light called out, unsure of what just happened. "Umm, are we there yet?"

The detective spun his head around. "Shhh, it is the mighteh Fuuuurleon…"

Light peeked from behind the two idiots to see this so called Furleon.

"Guys?"

"Yes, Light-kun?" Ryuzaki responded in a surprising normal tone.

"That's a duck."

"Indeed!" L shouted in an overly dramatic voice. "It is more than JUST a duck Light-kun! It is the monster, Furleon who will show us the waaaaaay!"

"Shhhh," Matsuda told them, "The Furleon shall speak."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…quack…" The Furleon quacked.

"Oooooh~ It has spoke the waaaaaay~ Nyeeeeeeh~" Matsuda and L squealed as they wiggled their arms. They knelt upon the ground and starting bowing.

"We are not wooooorthy~" They chanted over and over, "We are not woooooorthy~"

Light slowly walked past them as they worshipped the yellow feathered creature.

* * *

The three continued to walk along the trail. Light listened to the beautiful silence in content.

"Oh mah gawd it's a platypus." Matsuda pointed out at the butterfly.

"Silly Matsuda, that's a magic beaver."

"A platypus."

"A magic beaver."

"Maaaaaaan, you're a dooooouuuche."

"Noo, you're a dooooouuuche."

"Nooo, you're a doooouuuche."

"Nooo, you're a dooooouuuche."

"Oh no, you're just stupid."

"No, you're stupid."

"Noooo, you're stupid."

"Nooo, you're stupid."

"Both of you are stupid douches!" Light interrupted. "Now shut the h*ll up and don't say a word!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Man I want sum coffeh."

"Meh too."

"ARRRRGHH!"

* * *

"Light-kun! We must cross The River of a Thousand Deeeeeeaaaaaths~"

"I am not going in there," replied the teen, backing away from the edge of the bank. He bumped into Matsuda.

"But we muuuust~ For the Tomato Laaaaaand~"

"Fine!" Light gave up. "But how are we going to get across the freaking river?"

Ryuzaki shoved a boat into the river. "On this BANANA BOAT!"

"BANANA BOAT!"

L and Matsuda twirled around girlishly muttering gibberish and nonsense. The teen stepped in the banana boat.

_Might as well get this over with._

And so the three sailed along The River of a Thousand Deaths on the Banana Boat.

"Light-kuuuun~"

"Liiiiiight~"

"Light-kuuuuun~"

"Liiiiiiiiight~"

"Light-ku-"

"WHAT THE F**K DO YOU WANT!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"We're on a banana Light-kuuuun~ :D"

* * *

"We're finally here Light!" Matsuda cheered.

Light gazed at the tall, red, tomato-ey shrine before him. "Huh, so Tomato Land DOES exist. So what are we gonna do now?"

"Look Light-kun!" Ryuzaki pointed out. "The frightful Tomato Army!"

And indeed, there was a trail of marching red tomatoes with their feared ketchup and salsa weapons.

"Tomato, tomato, tomato," they chanted, placing a crown on the teen's head.

"You're the King of Tomatoes Light-kun!"

"The Tomato King!"

"Tomato King?"

L and Matsuda nodded furiously.

"And for being Tomato King," L added, "You get to be thrown into the House of Misas!"

"o_o What?"

"You're so lucky Light!" Matsuda whined.

"NO! NO! NO! NO!" Light screamed as the Tomato Army carried him into The House of Misas. "GUYS! TAKE ME BAAAAAAAACK!" They carried him so far away until his protests were soon silenced.

"…"

"…"

"Wanna go to Wendy's?"

"Yeah, let's go."


	18. Heatwave Part IV

**Woohoo! Celebrating my hundredth reviews! -claps and throws confetti-**

**I want to REALLY thank you guys for supporting me! -sniffs- I've come so far...**

**And I shall keep writing for as long as I live! (probably not..)**

**I love you all!~**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or anything else already owned by other people.**

* * *

"Watari, get me some more coffee."

"Yes Ryuzaki."

Light crawled onto the table, resting his head on the corner.

"This heat is not doing ANYTHING good to my hair Ryuzaki. It's going to explode! EXPLODE I SAY!"

The detective rolled his eyes. "Light-kun will not explode. Though I wish he would."

"You heartless b*stard!" the teen hissed.

Watari returned from the kitchen. "Uhh, Ryuzaki..?"

"I am in no mood to hear bad news. But obviously, you would never let me down. So what do you want to tell me?" was L's response.

The old man fiddled his fingers. "Oh it's no big deal but…it seems that we…"

"We…?"

"Have run out of water."

No.

That was the worst possible thing Ryuzaki could have heard anyone say. Besides hearing that the Earth's cake supply being vanished.

"NOOOOO!" Light screamed, which came out more like a girlish shriek due to his dry throat.

"Watari, I am sure that there is another water source somewhere in this building," L assured hopefully.

Watari shook his head.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?" Light shrieked. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Wait…"

"What seems to be the matter Light-kun?"

"Can't we just kill Matsuda then suck out his blood?"

L face-palmed himself. "We are not vampires Light-kun, nor cannibals."

"Hey guys!" Matsuda came skipping into the room. "Hot day outside isn't it? Good thing I have this bottle of ice cold refreshing water right here in the palm of my hands to keep me nice and cool! :D"

The poor, poor officer.

"On second thought Light-kun, maybe your suggestion isn't such a bad idea."

"I know."

Matsuda stood there looking lost while the two geniuses converse between each other.

"Hey Matsuda, do you wanna play a game?" Light asked cheerily.

Matsuda nodded happily. "Yeah! What are we playing?"

L grinned. "Chainsaw Massacre."

* * *

"AHHHHH!"

"MATSUDA-SAN GIVE ME THE WATER!"

Soichiro could only stand there watching with a horrified face as the detective whipped the chainsaw around the escaping officer.

"Aizawa, do something to stop Ryuzaki!"

"Yes sir!" his slav- I mean, co-worker saluted.

Aizawa grabbed a wooden mallet from his collection in his afro. "Never thought I'd use this baby."

He hid behind the wall, arm poised in a readying position to hit the dangerously armed detective.

"This plan is SO original. Nothing can go wrong."

* * *

Light followed the trail of wooden debris that Ryuzaki left behind. "My Yagami senses are tingling! They went…that way!" He picked up his weapon.

"Let's go Fluffy," he said, gripping the stuffed bunny in his hand. "I have the most awesome weapon ever. Nothing can beat a stuffed bunny!" The teen ran down the hall, making a turn before…

"I AM NINJAH!" was all Light heard before a wooden mallet collided with his perfect face.

Aizawa watched as the boy collapsed by his feet on the floor.

"Mom was right, no wonder I have no friends."

* * *

Matsuda cowered underneath a table in a dark room with no windows.

You can see where this is going.

"Oh Matsuda-san~" L called out in sing-song.

Matsuda bumped his head underneath the wooden table. "OWWW!" He crawled out from his hiding place like the idiot he is. He looked up to see a black silhouette of Ryuzaki holding a weapon above his head.

"SAY HELLO TO MAH LITTLE FRIEND!" the detective shouted in a terrible cheesy accent. (Idea from L's What If Parody by Ratt9 :D)

"NO RYUZAKI! DON'T KILL ME!" Matsuda pleaded with fear.

L lowered the chainsaw. "Well why didn't you say so?" he said.

And walked away.


	19. Trick or Treat

**Yes! This is the Death Note Crack Halloween Special! :D Even though there is really not much special about it.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

* * *

"Trick or Treat," Aizawa demanded as he held his bag out to the man in front of him.

The man eyed him suspiciously. "Aren't you a little old to be begging candy from strangers?" he asked.

"Why yes. Yes I am."

"And what are you supposed to be? A wanna black dude?"

"Yes I am," the officer replied.

The man slammed the door shut.

* * *

"Trick or Treat~!" Light greeted cheerfully in his grim reaper costume as he held out his half full candy bag. The woman smiled and petted his hair.

"Aren't you a nice wittle boy? Aren't you? Would you wike some tweats? :D Awwwww sooo cute! I could just pinch your wittle cheeks so hard~! Oh mah gawsh come inside for some yummy dinner! Would you wike that wittle boy?"

Light's eye twitched as he scribbled down on his notebook.

"Your costume so soooo cute~! I could just eat your wittle head! Yes I can~ Would you wike ome more tre-" She started choking, grabbing her chest as she fell to the floor and died.

Light nonchalantly took the bowl of candy from the door and walked away.

* * *

Matsuda rang the door bell multiple times until a tired grumpy old man opened the door.

"Tricky or Treaty~!" he cried out happily. The old man groaned.

"Sir."

"Yes?"

"This is the 46th time you've come here," he explained.

"I know!" Matsuda responded.

"Have you been to any other houses?" the man asked curiously.

"I went to a house called 'Bars for Homo-sex-uals, or something! :D" he answered happily. "Oh! And another place called 'Rape-A-Holics'! And 'Cock-A-Doodle'! And 'Practice Dates for Gay Relationships!' Yup! I went to all those places!"

"…"

"I want mah candy!"

"Goodnight sir."

* * *

Mogi knocked politely on the door of a random house. A little girl answered the door.

"Hewwo mister~" she greeted.

"Why hello little girl!" Mogi replied with a smile, "How are you doing tonight?"

"Oh I'm fine! Thank you for aski-"

"Alright now little b*tch, cut to the chase and give me some f*cking candy."

The girl whimpered. "W-what?"

"Okay, I'll make this real simple," Mogi told her darkly. "Give me some candy, or I will personally send you to the depths of the underworld where you will be boiled alive in the crimson fires while your skin peels off and your bones rot from the inside, while the sharp metal blades slice you apart and the moon illuminates the monster inside you as it crawls out of your mouth and no one, I repeat, no one, can hear your pathetic piercing screams in the terrible night."

The poor girl turned pale in horror as she dumped every bit of sweets she had in the house into the officer's candy bag.

"Thank you little girl~! Have a good night! :D" he shouted, running off.

* * *

"Trick or Treat," L held out his candy bag to the young man in front of him.

"Happy Halloween!" the man cheered as he dropped some sweets into L's bag. "What are you supposed to be for Halloween?"

"Me?" L grinned. "I'm a candy loving pedophile who likes touching fruity little boys."

"…"

"…"

"Well why didn't you say so? :D" the man smiled. "Come on in and have some dinner!"

* * *

**For those of you who are going Trick or Treating, becareful, cause there are some creepy people out there. o_o**

**Happy Halloween!**


	20. Heatwave Part V

**Whoo! New chapter! Without a plot whatsoever!**

**I have a year's worth of candy from trick or treating (yes, I am a teenager who goes around random houses and beg strangers for candy)**

**At my last stop, there was a guy dressed like a redneck with a pitchfork o_o**

**None of my friends wanted to go over and he started running to us and yelling gibberish.**

**Well, he was just scaring us, and gave us one piece of candy each -_-**

**And so he kinda inspired this chapter. By the way, the style of this chapter may be a little different from my other chapters but enjoy anyways!**

* * *

Perhaps it was the heat getting to him.

Or perhaps it was the endless hours of watching America's Top Model to keep himself distracted from the agonizing weather making him crazy.

Or perhaps it was Ryuzaki sitting there, staring at him with wide eyes while holding a sledgehammer he used in his recent attempt of a homicide to a certain incompetent person driving him up the wall to insanity.

But when and where did that country old redneck with a pitchfork come from?

"Ryuzaki," Light began, "Sorry to interrupt your fan service time staring at my sweating shirtless body but…was country guy there before?"

The detective's face turned into a somewhat surprised/'I Don't Give a D*mn" expression'. "No Light-kun, I do not recall a redneck being in this room."

Light's first instinct was to strangle Ryuzaki with his bare hands and shove him out the window the way he fantasized doing with Matsuda. Instead, he gave him his super "I Hope to Push You Off a Giant Building One Day" glare. "Aren't you worried that he may be Kira infiltrating the headquarters?" he questioned angrily.

Ryuzaki, unruffled by Light's killer gaze, held up a finger. "Light-kun, you shouldn't assume that someone is Kira when you barely know them."

Light's "Rage-O-Meter" just went from "I Wish You Would Jump Out a Window" to the levels of "I Would Go To The Deepest Depths of Hades Just To Drag You Down and See You Burn and Scream in Unbearable Pain and Torture." He wondered why he was the only one that was able to keep his sanity while working under the broken and deranged wings of Ryuzaki.

"You know Ryuzaki," Light fumed, "I'm beginning to suspect that everyone who ever worked for you or known you has either attempted suicide, got jailed for homicide, or became a vegetable because they became unstably insane."

L, either too oblivious or professionally ignoring Light's ticking anger, was just typing away on his computer. "Perhaps Light-kun would like to clarify?"

If Light had enough boredom and time to make a list, it would stretch out from Kanto to California. Of course Light had to shorten the list in an incredible amount and started explaining. "Well first of all, I didn't have a fear of oranges until you decided to plant an orange tree in a pot and placed it in my bathroom, where its fruits would fall on my privates every time I came out of the shower."

"I was merely trying to make the headquarters greener," Ryuzaki explained.

"Putting one piece of plant in MY bathroom would not improve the Earth in its polluted ruins," Light retorted. "Plus, now that same fruit is now considered a weapon of mass murder because of _you_."

"Go on."

"Secondly, my father _loved_ bunnies, until you had bought a stuffed rabbit, placed obscene tapes in it, and forced him to watch the videos for 48 hours straight to _prove_ whether he was Kira or not."

"Well perhaps that was my fault," L half-admitted.

"And thirdly, when I brought my pet bunny here, you've caused it to go suicidal from the traumatic events!"

"Light-kun is exaggerating a bit."

"I am not!" the teen countered. "The following day after it's agony, it drowned itself in a puddle of gasoline by the gas station and hopped into a stove in a nearby house and exploded into flames!"

"Perhaps so Light-kun," Ryuzaki interrupted, "But I have not done any serious harm pertaining to the safety and well-being of the Task Force."

"Nay!" Light pulled out a document from his desk and unfolded it. "So far, in the last three months, Matsuda has had five broken arms from your spying plan, and eighteen head injuries from your coffee rush."

"Well that explains his stupidity…" L mused.

"That's not all. Mogi had three twisted ankles from your last congratulatory party. Aizawa had nine concussions while he bought you cake. And Ide broke his fingers twenty-four times trying to pull you out of the ice cream machine."

"…"

Light held on to his smirk of victory.

But made the mistake of forgetting that little detail in the room.

Because as soon as Light began cackling his Yagami laughter in L's face…

"Attack," L commanded.

"GETS OFF MAH LAWN YOUS CRAZEH KIDS!" screamed the red neck. The old man charged towards Light, pitchfork ready to strike.

"AHHHHH!" the teen screeched as he was being pummeled by a barrage of jabs and spears from the red neck's mighty pitchfork of revenge.

"CURSE ALL YOUS KIDS WITH YOUR TRASH TALKY RAP MUSIC AND SKINNIEZ TYPE PANTS!"

Soichiro opened the door, witnessed a short amount of the madness that was the redneck and his son, and left.

* * *

"It's time…for REVENGE!" Insert psychotic music here.

The figure loaded his chainsaw, and trudged heavily towards the L, in his spinny chair.

Ryuzaki was too oblivious to the thunderous sound of the working chainsaw, heavy footsteps, and disturbing cackles of the figure coming toward him.

The figure raised his arms above him, the chainsaw ready to attack.

"SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" quoted the figure in a terrible accent. Ryuzaki spun around and faced his killer.

"Go to bed Matsuda-san, it's already 6 p.m."

"Yes Ryuzaki…" Matsuda answered, turned off the chainsaw and hauled himself to bed.


	21. Tentacles

**Dedicated to: LTheCupcake for giving me this idea while we were acting retarded.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or The Office jokes.**

* * *

"Matsuda, have you seen Ryuzaki?" Light questioned the incompete- I mean, well qualified and intelligent officer. It wasn't like the detective to disappear out of nowhere.

Matsuda, of course, shook his head and continued to stalk Misa from the hidden cameras of her bedroom, and perhaps if he was lucky, steal more of her expensive lingerie.

"Ryuzaki!" Light called as he rushed down the hallways. _Wobble, wobble, wobble_. What was that disgusting sound? "Watari probably gave him cabbage! Now he's constipated!" Beaming with this new idea, Light skipped proudly to the bathroom, happy that he used his genius smarts to figure something out so epically. As the bathroom door came into view, the teen immediately opened it and entered.

"Ryuzaki! Are you constipated?" he shouted. _Wobble, wobble, wobble_. "Ryuzaki?" Light shouted louder this time. He followed the noise, leading him to the source that he wished he hadn't seen. "OH MY ME! Ryuzaki! You're…you're…an octopus!"

Indeed there was an octopus. It was a cephalopod with dark eyes, tentacles, and a head full of Ryuzaki hair. So it was more like an emo-panda-octopus thing. And there it was, in front of Light, eating rolls and rolls of toilet paper. "I EAT YO PAPER!" Tenta-L yelled, stuffing more of the toiletries into his…mouth/pointy suction cup hole.

"Oh my me, he's eating toilet paper," Light said, demonstrating his uncanny ability of stating the obvious. "I must warn everyone!" And off he went, leaving Tenta-L all by himself.

"GUYS!" he screamed frantically as he entered the main room. "L IS A FREAKING OCTOPUS!"

The rest of the Task Force stared blankly at him and then resumed pretending to look for Kira. Light was fuming. "YOU KNOW WHAT! SCREW YOU ALL!"

"That's what she said!" Aizawa added. The brunette slapped the man afro with a phonebook.

"I'm serious!" Light countered. "I went to find him in the bathroom, and he was a hairy octopus sucker thing!"

"You went into the bathroom with L?" asked Ukita. "Light! We never knew you went that way."

Soichiro stood up angrily. "You choose _now_ to come out of the closet?" He fell to his knees and raised his arms dramatically in the air. "WHERE DID I GO _WRONG_ WITH YOU?"

"On second thought, Ryuzaki did chain Light to himself. Who knew what they could've done together in bed," Ide mused. Soichiro clutched his heart and started choking.

"STFU IDE!" Aizawa scolded, reaching into his afro for a random weapon. "You're giving Chief a heart attack!"

"Okay! I'll shut up!"

"Thank you…"

"B*itch," Ide muttered under his breath.

Because Aizawa's afro had super human hearing, in sent signals to Aizawa's broken brain, telling him to attack. "RAWRGAHAGHAHAHAGRAHH!" he barbarically screamed, dashing towards the defenseless Ide with a pineapple.

"AHHHHH!"

In the midst of the chaos, Light revived his father from his almost-heart attack with a guava. "Okay, we need to go help Ryuzaki or else he might kil- Ooh~! Shiny pencil! :D" The teen tracked the rolling writing utensil down the hall.

"Wait! Light!" Soichiro, Matsuda, and Watari chased after him. Coincidentally, the pencil spun into the exact same bathroom Tenta-L was in.

"I EAT YO PLUNGER!" roared the tentacle detective, stuffing the plunger into his pointy suction cup hole of a mouth. The three of the Task Force workers stood watching the emo creature, mouth agape. They were too busy looking stupid to notice the teen going after the pencil that was heading straight to Tenta-L.

"Shiny pencil!"

Tenta-L was too quick. Spotting the pencil, the panda cephalopod picked it up and slid it down in his pointy mouth. "OM NOM NOM! I EAT YO PENCIL!" Light watched helplessly as Ryuzaki crunched down on his best friend.

"PEEEENCIIIIIL!" Light bawled deafeningly, dramatically reaching his hand towards where his beloved writing utensil was 8 seconds ago. After emo-ing about his deceased inanimate object, he faced Tenta-L with fiery determination. "I…WILL AVENGE YOU!"

"Wait!" Watari pleaded. "Don't kill L!" He grabbed the crazed teen, restricting him from moving any further towards the octopus detective.

"Watari…I think he's growing bigger as he eats…"

"What makes you say that Chief?" Matsuda asked.

"I EAT YO TOILET WATER!" gurgled Tenta-L with his head inside the toilet. As Soichiro thought, his head grew until it combusted the porcelain sanitary item apart. He waved his green tentacles around in a riotous manner. "I IS GONNA EAT YO CLOSET!" he screeched.

"NOT THE CLOSET!" cried Matsuda as L speeded his suction-cuppy tentacles down the hall. The four of them followed as L headed straight for Misa's bedroom.

"EWWWWW!" the blonde shrieked. Tenta-L picked up the model with one tentacle, and her closet with the other. "I EAT YO CLOSET!" He munched Misa's favorite closet and grew a dozen more feet.

"NO! MISA'S FAVORITE CLOTHES WERE IN THERE!"

Tenta-L continued to devour the model's remaining items in her room. Light, Matsuda, Watari, and Soichiro stood awkwardly without a clue of what to do.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING THERE!" Misa scolded the four. "DO SOMETHING!" Watari and Soichiro immediately ran off to find some weapons.

"KILL IT LIGHT-KUN!"

"We can't! It's Ryuzaki!" Light explained. Misa face palmed herself. How could he be so stupid?

"Yes, you would _kill_ Ryuzaki. Right _Light-kun_?" She told him, slowly enunciating her words.

"What are you talking about?" Wait a minute. "Ohhh…" Light said, hitting himself stupidly in the head. _Wait, when did Misa become smarter than me? Oh my me, is the world going to explode?_

Matsuda looked around the room, extremely clueless.

"Time for Ryuzaki to DIE."

DUN DUN DUUUUN!

* * *

**Will Light and Misa kill Tenta-L?**

**Will Soichiro and Watari make it in time?**

**Will Matsuda ever understand what's going on?**

**Will Ide survive Aizawa's pineapple of doom?**

**Will I be compelled enough to write the remaining chain of events?**

**Find out in the next chapter!**


	22. Tentacles II

**I got incredibly lazy towards the middle. Just warning you.**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN DEATH NOTE.**

* * *

Light cackled evilly. He never thought this day would come. He grabbed one of Misa's stuffed bear and prepared to attack Tenta-L with it.

Has anyone noticed Light may have lost several brain cells from all of his adventures?

Misa Amane clearly has. She wanted to strangle the daylights out of her boyfriend, but alas, she was being constricted by the mighty tentacles of Tenta-L.

"Light-kun! Watari and you dad might see you!" she cried out at Light's sheer stupidity. The brunette turned around to face the model. _Oh right… _Light realized_. _Misa began to question if he was even able to continue his work as 'I-Will-Eat-Babies-Because-I-R-Gawd' Kira. "Light-kun! Matsuda-san is right there! Make _him_ kill Ryuzaki for you!"

Light suddenly grinned. "Wait a minute… Matsuda's right there! I can make _him_ kill Ryuzaki for me!" He stood proudly, smiling at his amazing genius mind. If Misa could explode, she would've done so right then and there. "Hey Matsuda!" the teen called out.

"What?"

"Do you see this octopus right here?" Light pointed to Tenta-L. Matsuda stared carefully at the panda-ish creature.

"What's an ok-toe-puss?" the officer questioned. _Thank goodness he never got laid. The world doesn't need any more Matsudas,_Light rubbed his temples furiously. If only he had his Death Note with him…

"Okay, Matsuda, that's a giant gummy bear filled with happiness and vanilla. Go eat it."

Matsuda beamed. He ran towards Tenta-L, mouth unhinged in an obscene gap and chomped on one of the tentacles.

"RAAAAAAWR! L IS IN PAAAAAIIIN!"

Tenta-L, in his fit of anguish, released Misa out of his grasp. Of course the word 'released' is too subtle. It was less a gentle placement than a rigorous hurl. Misa landed forcefully on Light, knocking the teen out as his head bumped into the model's enormous collection of Beanie Babies.

"LIGHT-KUUUUUN!" Misa bawled, holding her unconscious partner.

Soichiro and Watari found a collection of weapons and sprinted straight to the room, only to witness Matsuda chomping on Tenta-L, and seemingly dead Light in the sobbing Misa's arms.

"THIS IS TERRIBLE! I WAS GOING TO RETIRE TODAY!" Watari hollered. In his flaming fury, he threw a torrent of menacing paper clips at Matsuda, whose teeth were still clamped on Tenta-L's slimy flesh. Matsuda freed the tentacle from his mouth. He sniveled at the throbbing torture of the evil paperclips that Watari attacked him with.

Soichiro was driven to insanity by the presence of his almost-dead-by-stuffed-animals son that he released his agony in the form of office staplers at Tenta-L. The emo octopus opened his pointy suction mouth and swallowed the office utensils whole. "I EAT YO STAPLERS!" Ryuzaki continued his quest for a buffet of inanimate objects.

"I EAT YOU PILLOWS!" was followed by "I EAT YOU SLIPPERS!" which turned into "I EAT YO UNDERPANTS!" and eventually "I EAT YO MATSUDA!" Not that the Task Force cared much for the incompetent anyway. And so, item after item, Tenta-L grew until he crushed the building.

Well kids, I'm far too aware of the violence and gore of the remaining events, so instead, I'll put in a short commercial break.

* * *

People all over the world are suffering. From something so deadly, so tear jerking, that it breaks the hearts of millions.

The Matsu-Disease.

Together, we can put an end to this virus of stupidity and incompetence. You can change the world by donating three –coughs- hundred –coughs- dollars. Yes, only three.

Please, think of the Matsudas.

* * *

And so, in the end, Soichiro and Watari defeated Tenta-L with their handy supply of office utensils and Aizawa's pineapple of doom. Tenta-L became Ryuzaki once again after destroying the whole west side of Japan. Light was swept away by the Pacific Ocean into Canada, from where he once came from. Misa developed a series of conditions such as projectile vomiting. And the whole Task Force was sued, and must pay the fines of $6 million, 7000 jump ropes, 48 taco trucks, and 8946 'I Am Gay' bands.

The End.

* * *

**Review, and I will give you this complementary bucket of candy canes and sunshine.**


	23. Heatwave Part VI

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

**So many labels and compound sentences! I am not very happy with this chapter and I will continue bashing my head against the keyboard until it explodes into tiny little bits of letters that will eventually be drowning in the bottom of my stomach acid. But enjoy anyway.**

* * *

Light was hot. No, that was a complete understatement.

He was a slug being burnt to a crisp by a giant magnifying glass on the hottest day of July in the Sahara desert in the highest midst of global warming. He woke up with a gasp, only to face Ryuzaki with his "I-Am-A-Pedophile-Who-Eats-Young-Boys-But-I'll-Act-Innocent-Anyway-Because-I-Am-L" face. Seriously, why in the world did he have to have a semi-boss who looked like a crack-addict hobo living in the middle of a barren alley? He was a good person, despite killing millions of people due to his deranged way of thinking that he was actually God. Light put a pause to his "I Hate My Life and Suicide May be My Only Option to End the Torture" thoughts, realizing that he may be mid-way to being deflowered by a homeless looking panda.

"RYUZAKI! GET OUT OF MY FACE!" he screamed as he shoved the detective out of his chair. His "Send-Ryuzaki-To-The-Depths-Of-Hades" meter was coming towards its exploding point. "You tried to rape me!" he pointed out the almost seemingly obvious. L plastered on his innocent face and faced the teen with an attempted genuine smile. If Soichiro was still present in the room, the second heart attack would've killed him.

"Light-kun has offended me with harsh words. Do I really look like a rapist?" L smiled a sweet smile so sweet that it made Light want to vomit sweets all over something sickly sweet. He would've done so, if there was any amount of liquid stored in his body.

"I don't really think I should answer that," Light pointed out. Even in the ridiculously hot weather that Mother Nature has cursed upon Japan, Ryuzaki could still put up an image of a homosexual stalker that would surely make a little child burst into tears. "Because you sir, are a fruitcake."

The detective was actually compelled to frown. Even he, to a certain point did not enjoy being called a fruitcake. "Light-kun, that was not very nice."

"And that's a chair, and that's a table." Light nodded towards the said objects. "I think we're done stating the obvious." Apparently, Light was done and over with his "Incompetent Idiot" phase and now resumed his normal sarcastic attitude. "Now I would much like it if we can continue the bet without me having to lose my virginity to an anorexic panda man."

"And why does Light-kun assume that I would even try to rape him?" L questioned, only to make him look like the victim, but it only increased his image as a pedophilic werewolf who bites poor mortals' heads off mid-way into a date.

Before Light could answer, the obvious but unmentioned slave dog entered the room with a shining grin on his face. "Hey guys! Wanna play a game?" Matsuda asked merrily with a voice that would cause an ear of a dog to spontaneously combust.

Light pierced the air with his death glare that would make even Beyond Birthday himself shriek in terror and jump out the window forty stories below. "Matsuda, not now," Light told the clueless grudgingly. Ryuzaki nodded in agreement.

With a scream of a savage and the strength full of testosterone, Matsuda lunged at the two with a very familiar pitchfork. Conveniently, Mogi was happening to play his favorite CD of "Murderous Tunes" at this very moment.

"I will send you to the deepest layer of Hades to watch your eyes fall over and laugh maniacally!" Instead of Superman, Matsuda had transformed from coffee boy to insane axe murderer in five complete seconds. "You want to know why?"

Light cowered in fear as he resumed to his "Incompetent Idiot" phase.

"I am Kira!" cackled Matsuda.

Even though L was an emotion less sugary hobo looking freak, he still widened his eyes panic.

"WHAT!" L and Light seemed to yell out simultaneously.

Matsuda grinned and released his grip from their throats.

"Nah…I just wanted to play like Ryuzaki…"

"…"

"…"

Light wished nothing more than to beat the living daylights out of the officer. L, however, made to his decision before the teen could act. Though he found the image of an enraged Ryuzaki pummeling Matsuda's face to oblivion quite amusing a refreshing. If only he were in L's place…

His joy and happiness went crashing down into a river of death when a certain blonde had dragged him off into the bathtub.

"Misa-Misa will take a bath with Light-kun!" the blonde cheered in her strawberry swim wear.

Damn Misa, damn Matsuda, damn Ryuzaki, dame his rape-able body, damn his freaking life. The world was screwing with him, and all he could do was tell the world to go screw itself, but sadly that option won't fix anything except to add more to his depression.

"Okay Misa, first of all, there is no water. Second of all, the bathtub only fits one. Thirdly, this is Aizawa's bathroom. Fourth, I have no desire whatsoever to see any part of you undressed more than your so called casual wear. And lastly, if I weren't so desperate into ruling the world right now I would give you a slow and painful death and laugh at your agony."

Light bashed his head against the tile wall as the model sprung a waterfall of salt water and snot in the bathroom. What he wouldn't give for some drugged candy right now….

In the midst of his head bashing, he had suddenly come to the realization of the presence of an open window by the bathtub. He stood up, light shining on him as he witnessed an epiphany he so longed for. Immediately he picked Misa up in a crushing bear hug. The dimwit model was too hypnotized by his sudden affectionate action to foreshadow her impending doom. Light laughed so hard, he practically squealed in delight as if he were an old man in the middle of a dream queen bikini and mud bath party.

"Light-kun…" Misa sighed dreamily.

"Good-bye! Be gone forever!" Light giggled, preparing to shove the blonde sack of tomatoes out the open window. But of course, every plan has a weakness.

Upon stepping over the bathtub, Light had slipped on a harmless bar of soap, resulting in his back on the floor, and Misa on top of him.

An awkward picture of awkward awkwardness that it could only awkwardly be described in awkward terms of awkwardness.

Aizawa stepped into his bathroom to wash his beloved fro and in front of him was a pile of Light, Misa, towels, and yellow rubber ducks.

"Ohh…uhh…I'll be going….continue on," he stammered and left, slamming the door. He was going to ask Ryuzaki for a new bathroom now that his was contaminated in Light and Misa particles.

Light was damning the world into the depths of the fiery underworld. The more reason for him to start killing more people. He needed to remind himself to poison Misa's ice cream later.

He covered his ears during Misa's shrieks and squeals of happiness as he trudged down the hall. Now that he thought about it, this bet was going nowhere. With this thought in mind, he slammed straight into the door.

"OWW!"

"Light-kun! Are you okay?" Misa worried.

"NO! I'M JUST A HAPPY BUCKET FULL OF SUNSHINE!"

Ryuzaki, tired of beating Matsuda to a pulp, rested calmly on his favorite spinning chair and twirled around in glee. Light grumbled, rubbing his head as he headed to the detective's direction.

"Even in the heat, Light-kun can still be a stubborn, angsty, bastard."

"Just shut up Ryuzaki," Light scolded. The two was then hit by a blunt object from behind and knocked out as the darkness passed over them.

* * *

**What happened to Light and Ryuzaki?**

**Who did it?**

**Will Aizawa ever get his new bathroom?**

**Find out in the next concluding chapter of this Heatwave section!**

**If I feel like typing it.**

**Reviews would be like rainbows in my belly button.**


	24. Therapy

**I am not an update ninja. Just saying.**

**And I have been very lazy this week, but I managed to write a somewhat decent chapter that doesn't burn my eyes everytime I see it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

* * *

Soichiro sighed in content at the calm atmosphere of his work area. For once, it was a normal day. Events like these rarely happen.

"RYUZAKI! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

"But Light-kun, its cute isn't it?" L smiled his trademark pedophile smile and shoved the foam orange plushie into Light's face.

"IT'S AN ORANGE!" Light shrieked. The teen tore the room apart trying to get away from Ryuzaki and his evil orange toy. "GET IT AWAY FROM ME!"

The detective chased Light around. "But why? It's very soft and fluffy…"

"And it's an orange!" Light roared. "I swear Ryuzaki, if you don't burn that thing and bury it…."

"What will you do Light-kun?" L asked mockingly, unruffled by the brunette's threats.

"LETTUCE ATTACK!" Light slapped L repeatedly across the face with testosterone filled strength. Ryuzaki gasped and began hyperventilating as he desperately tried to remove himself from Light's vicious vegetable harassment.

"LIGHT-KUN! STOP THIS INSTANT!" he pleaded. Light only smirked.

"But Ryuzaki, it's soooo cute!" Light replied in a facetious tone. "Come on! Just kiss it!"

Soichiro rubbed his temples. No, the madness must stop now. "Watari?" he gestured to the old butler. "Would you please take care of this?"

Watari, being a responsible Soichiro slave, jumped out, whacked the two boys with a giant lollipop, and backed out into the shadows.

Seeing as Light and Ryuzaki have stopped fighting, he whistled to get their attention.

"Okay boys…" he began with his hands in a military position. "I believe it's time for you two to receive something you really need."

"Is it cake?"

"Is it more writing untensils?"

Soichiro shook his head.

"Therapy."

And that's how Light and L ended up visiting Dr. Therapy's Therapist Office for People in Need of Therapy.

Dr. Therapy sat on one end of the room and stared at the two other boys at the other side of the room. "So…Light Yagami and Ryuga Hideki….Those are your names correct?"

"KIRA!" L screeched and pointed accusingly at the the man.

"Ryuga, please do not yell. We should get along in here." Dr. Therapy motioned the detective to sit….or..crouch back down.

"Why would I get along with KIRA?" L countered angrily. Dr. Therapy decided to give up on the conversation and fiddled with his glasses.

"So Yagami-san….may I call you Light-kun?"

The teen grimaced in disgust at the sound of his question. "Don't you dare call me that. The man who makes my life hell calls me that all the time." He nodded to the chain that bounded him to his semi-boss (Can you not see what this freaking man is doing to me?) and rolled his eyes. "Unless you are willing to have your limbs severed and your entrails butchered, I suggest you call me Light, and only Light." Light leaned back on the couch with an air of dysfunction and narcissism around him. Dr. Therapy managed to hold back his stare of terror, only for a little bit.

"O-okay…I see that you have..umm…orangaphobia….is that correct?"

Dr. Therapy was hoping for a somewhat calmer expression from Light.

Obviously he had chucked his brain into the Pacific Ocean somewhere.

Light gave the therapist his best "I-Will-Rip-Out-Your-Face-And-Shove-It-Down-Your-Throat" death glare. "May Kira track you down and drag you to the deepest corner of the Bermuda Triangle and drown you and feed your body parts to the sharks." After stating his point, the brunette helped himself to the cookies placed onto the table before him. If only they were drugged with sleeping pills… Heck, he was willing to risk getting raped by Ryuzaki if these cookies were actually drugged. Anything better than listening to this idiot amateur trying to solve his hell of a life.

"Okay…" Dr. Therapy mumbled incoherently. Those ten years of therapy school won't help him now. "And Ryuga….you have lachanophobia….fear of vegetables?"

L picked up a chair and chucked it by the man's head. "DO NOT SPEAK OF THE WORD!"

"Sir, you cannot throw things in this room!"

"I AM L! I CAN DO FREAKING ANYTHING!" L retorted.

"And I'm Kira, so I can kill you any time," Light added.

"What Light-kun?"

"I like peanut butter and unicorns."

"Ahh, okay. I thought you said you were Kira."

Dr. Therapy looked back and forth between the two, looking horrified. "YOU TWO ARE INSANE!"

"Matsuda can even do better than you Therapy-san," L insulted.

"And he licks couches like they're candy…"

"NOTHING CAN HELP YOU TWO! YOU WILL FOREVER BE DYSFUNCTIONAL MEMBERS OF SOCIETY!"

Dr. Therapy was so terrified that he forgot that it was the end of their therapy time and he had another customer coming.

"RAAAAARGHHHGAAHAHAHA!" Beyond Birthday tore the door down with his mighty lumber jack axe. "WHERE IS DR. THERAPY?" he demanded.

"OH MY GOD!" the man screamed at the psycho jam loving anime watching serial killer.

"OH HEY DOCTOR!"

L jumped out from his spot on the couch and prepared to attack Beyond with his peanut butter cookies. "PEANUT BUTTER ATTACK!"

Beyond bawled as the peanut butter stuck onto his pale skin. "NOOOO! MY ULTIMATE WEAKNESS!"

"PEANUT BUTTER IS FOREVER!" L howled and tore off his shirt, revealing a peanut butter cult tattoo.

"NEVER! JAM ALWAYS WINS!" Beyond Birthday magically transformed into his jam cult birthday suit.

"PEANUT BUTTER!"

"JAAAAM!"

"POTATO CHIPS!" Light added to the food war.

The three warriors released a scream of barbaric rage and charged to attack their own enemies with their beloved food items.

Dr. Therapy scurried out the door in an attempted escape. He ran to Soichiro and clutched his shoulders. "I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE! AHHHH!" The man spread himself in toothpaste and jumped out through a window and into an orphanage.

Meanwhile the battle was still on.

"PEANUT BUTTER!"

"JAM!"

"CHIPS!"

Eventually Watari jumped in and shoved carrots up their noses to shut them up.

"Carrots will always win. Alwaaaays….." and with this he disappeared into the dark corner.

And that is why Light and L is banned from every therapy office in Kanto.

* * *

**Reviews are appreciated. It's not that difficult to click a button and type in some words.**

**Oh yeah! I'm planning to make a bunch of chapters with different scenarios on how L would confess his creepy, possesive, and dysfunctional love for Light Yagami. I don't have many ideas, so if you would be kind enough to comment some funny or crack-ish ideas, I would love it. But please, only humour, I will not write any fluff. And keep it rated T.**


	25. Hallucinating

I have been suffering from major writer's block, unreasonable projects, and eye strain causing homework.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note.**

* * *

"Ryuzaki, it's 3 in the morning. Can we go to sleep now?" Soichiro looked like a graying mess that came out of an elephant's as- I mean, posterior.

"No. We must stay awake. This video is critical to the investigation." L, on the other hand, was unaffected by the late night stay-up.

"But we've been watching the Charlie the Unicorn series for hours!" Matsuda whined. Within the last forty-five minutes, he seemed to have grown a mustache shadow.

"I am determined to know where this Candy Mountain is!" L retorted defensively. "I must pick up any hidden clues on its location, even if it means watching these videos until my eyes have melted out of my head." Angrily, he snatched up an unsuspecting donut and began devouring it. "And I'll keep watching!" the detective continued, crumbs flying out of his open mouth. "And I won't give up because I AM L!"

Light grimaced as he continued to watch L's obscene eating habits (Damn, I forgot to poison the donuts again) and made a failed attempt to ignore the sounds of the man's teeth against the sugar infested, frosting filled dough. "Ryuzaki, this is just a stupid video on a stupid YouTube site made by a stupid person who had nothing better to do with their stupid lives because they are stupid." With this amazing explanation, Light leaned back on the couch and stared challengingly at the detective to see if he would dare defy his epic logic.

"Light-kun?"

"Yes, Ryuzaki?"

"Your mother is a pineapple."

"…."

Soichiro shifted in his seat, palm on knees, leaning forward. "You just called my wife a pineapple."

L seemed somewhat apologetic. "I'm sorry Yagami-san, I didn't mean to call your wife a pinea-"

"You know she's terrified of pineapples?" Soichiro stared sternly at the panda-man.

No one could really tell if L's mouth was open because there was a pastry stuck in his pie hole or if it was agape in surprise.

"I'm sorry Yagami-san, I had no ide-"

"You know why she's terrified Ryuzaki? Hmm?" Without giving Ryuzaki a chance to answer, he continued immediately. "Because her father got killed by a serial pineapple. Do you know what it's like to have your father killed by a serial pineapple Ryuzaki? Do you?"

"Well…"

"No you don't."

"…."

L continued to chew/choke on his pastry nervously. "Thank you for your wife's interesting….back story Yagami-san."

"You're very welcome."

* * *

Ryuk hovered over the fatigued Light. The boy seemed to be on the edge of unconsciousness, and for the first time in his life, not aware of his surroundings.

_Heh….might as well kill some time…_

It was forty five minutes later when Light began to hallucinate. Or so the Task Force thought.

"No I don't want to pick pickles with you!" muttered Light incoherently.

Soichiro glanced uncomfortably at his son, then his boss. "Uhhh Ryuzaki…" the man began, which was returned with a "shut the hell up" from Ryuzaki.

"Light-kun, please be aware that you are in the presence of older men. Don't shout repulsive things when you are in this room," L cautioned the auburn-haired male.

"Plug in the blender and frappe the cucumber," was the teen's reply. "Mince it nice and good and chug it down with one slurp. You like that don't you?"

L's normally cool and calm façade was broken. Only for a moment. Was the younger man drunk? Did he "accidentally" slip some drugs into Light's coffee?

"Light-kun? I don't understand…"

"Tomatoes cannot love. They have no souls!"

L could only stare at Light, completely dumbfounded. Nowhere, even in the deepest corners of his genius brain, could he find a proper response. What in the world was wrong with the teen? Did his brain explode?

"Light-kun. What is your father's name?"

"Chuck Norris roundhouse kick."

"Ahh. Okay then."

* * *

L was perfectly satisfied with the non-Light filled silence. For the past half hour, then teen hadn't piped up. Not even one word was uttered from his lips. It was a good moment. As if nothing could ever happen in the world. Like nothing could ever go…

"Put on your big girl panties and start doing it."

Damn.

L proceeded to ignore the ranting male, though failing as time went on…and on…and on.

"Eating bunnies will give you explosive diarrhea." And then it was, "Mr. Sally would not enjoy your buttercups and tea." And continued to, "Bananas don't make peace, they suck and swallow them."

The detective's patience was running hazardously thin. He began to smash his head against the keyboard of his laptop.

"A pony peed in my apple juice!"

How lovely.

* * *

Ryuk cackled everytime L injured himself out of annoyance. Really, it was all too much. And with the sleep-deprived Light it was even funnier.

"The Tomato King stole my banana!" Light screamed when Ryuk flung the yellow fruit from his hand.

"I see Light-kun," L answered blankly.

"It's bleeding banana blood!"

"How horrible."

"It didn't learn any economics!"

"Pity."

"All it wanted to do was eat a grilled cheese sandwich!" Light sobbed into the banana carcass.

"Oh well."

Light continued to cry. "It was the ponies! They did this to him!"

L immediately walked over to Light, forcefully injured his crotch area, and resumed sipping his coffee.

Thank goodness for crotch areas.

* * *

**This was a pretty random chapter. Review please? **

**Happy Holidays to all!**

**I hope you have a great Christmas~**


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